WAIT AVE — In a move that will surely stir up controversy throughout campus, The Union of White Cornell Students has announced plans to sit in rocking chairs on their front porch and fondly reminisce about life in the glory days of the Confederate States of America. “America needs to find its roots again, and…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Thousands of Cornell students were disappointed to hear who the new headliner for Slope Day 2014 would be. Although popular in many areas of the country, students have deemed the headliner “sucky,” “fake,” and “a piece of shit.” When asked about the level of talent in recent Slope Day acts, Drew Livingston…
ENGINEERING QUADRANGLE—To celebrate the construction of the third computer science building, Cornell administration officially changed its motto from the inclusive “Any Person, Any Study” to the more accurate “Any Person, Computer Science.” Administrators claim that this better captures the current student body’s preferences. “We’re not stopping here,” said a spokesperson for the administration, detailing plans…
JERICO, NY – You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the…
BUILDER BASE—In what would appear to be the second clan-related controversy of his tenure, Interim President Michael Kotlikoff announced Thursday that the Cornell administration would NOT be gemming McGraw Tower’s level 10 upgrade. “I understand students’ frustration,” said Kotlikoff. “McGraw Tower is an iconic landmark, and these upgrade times are disheartening. However, I would remind…
COLLEGETOWN—As Cornell announced a new list of COVID-19 restrictions, campus fraternities voiced concern about the new rules as only Greek life can: through dramatic gestures that almost certainly make the issue worse. “This is a matter of principle,” commented Zeta Gamma president James Mendelson ‘22. “We checked, and there is nothing in the rules that…
After a short-lived stint as the hot topic on campus, Pocket Points, an app that gives students rewards for turning off their phones in class, has quickly faded out of the public eye and therefore does not warrant any kind of editorial response from us here at CU Nooz. The app offered students deals and…
LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA — Dana Harrington, mother of Jackson Whiting ‘18, expressed concern after receiving a call from her worry-free, unstressed son, who sounded completely content with his college experience instead of anxious and full of self-doubt like he’s supposed to be. “Something was definitely wrong. Jackson sounded happy and fully rested,” said Harrington, who sent…
COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors. “I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to…
FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all. “This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our…
