NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that…
In a statement released last Monday, The Cornell Lab of Ornithology announced that its researchers have learned everything there is to know about birds and would be shutting down all operations indefinitely. “Birds are very simple creatures. We know that their hollow bones and feathers help them fly, and that they use their beaks to…
BARTON HALL – During Cornell’s Biannual ClubFest, shocking revelations came to light that US Army ROTC recruiters had been intentionally targeting innocent civilians, with the vast majority of recruiting targets being misidentified by military officials. “That information is classified,” proclaimed Army First Lieutenant James McChad. “While every innocent casualty is a tragedy, the unfortunate truth…
MVR HALL – A recent study within the department shows that Human Development students are rapidly evolving faster than what was previously imagined possible. “My brain efficiency is operating at 97%. My telekinetic ability is reaching maximum potential. Early diagnostic reports suggest my muscle mass has doubled,” stated LeAnn Benson ‘19, a highly advanced student…
For years, Cornell University has instituted reckless, unempathetic, totalitarian rule over its students. From old-school behavioral codes to more modern restrictions on dining plans and housing, every aspect of our lives are controlled by Martha’s cackling cabal of campus administrators. Yet one mandate has gone unprotested, undiscussed, and the sheeple refuse to address it in…
Dear Cornell University, From the outset of this campaign, my goal was simple: to add something impressive-sounding to my resume. Today, I am proud to say that with my election to the position of Undesignated At-Large Student Assembly Representative, that dream has been achieved. This was a tremendous victory for the 1,852 supporters who voted…
PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum. “We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics…
This post is sponsored by the Skits Sketch Comedy Troupe, the oldest sketch comedy group at Cornell. Their fall show is this Friday at 9 PM in Barnes Hall, and you can buy $5 tickets at the door or by messaging their Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/CornellSkits/. As always, there’s no chance in hell that I will…
ITHACA – Last night University President David Skorton traded in his suit and tie for a tuxedo and tray of free samples in order to promote his new collegetown dining establishment, an Ithaca branch of the Morton’s Steakhouse chain. Proudly standing outside the restaurant, located at the corner of College and Dryden, Skorton gleefully delivered…
DAY HALL – In response to a major push at Cornell toward forming the first graduate student union in the school’s history, Interim President Hunter Rawlings III sent an email out earlier today warning the university that unionizing would offer Masters and PhD students a brief glimmer of hope and happiness unseen since beginning their…
