STATLER HALL – The three money-making programs at Cornell , the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, and the Johnson Graduate School of Management, will officially combine to make the money-making university even more money. President Garrett, who already makes a lot of money from overseeing a well-endowed institution,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Dozens of students were left bewildered today when they received a Slack message from an unmarked sender. “Hey everyone! Super excited to meet everyone from clubfest at our first GBody on Tuesday, Dec 10th at 7pm!” Many were planning to leave the Slack; however, the message went on to tell the unsuspecting recipients…
WARREN HALL—Dyson student and absolute shithead Peter Hendrik ‘24, known to fellow students in AEM 1056 as “the Guy who’s really unfucking funny”, was quick to express his enjoyment of Elon Musk’s turn as host of the past weekend’s Saturday Night Live during the class’s penultimate Zoom lecture this Monday. “Holy shit guys. I had…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
BARTON HALL— Excitement was in the air at Cornell’s Fall ClubFest as students eagerly perused hundreds of the University’s student-run organizations. Clubs employed a variety of methods to entice students to join their communities, such as flashy posters, games, and performances. “A lot of clubs have already caught my attention,” observed Annika Williams ’27. “They…
ROCKVILLE CENTRE, NY- Rising Junior Gabriela Ramos has entered a state of panic caused by her inability to reasonably justify the fact that she knows nothing about the current tense state of affairs in the Middle-Eastern country of Iraq. “During the academic year, I can usually brush off things like this by saying I’m too…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…
MANN LIBRARY—The infamous and self-proclaimed “well-intentioned” peeping tom stalking the stalls of Mann Library has crossed boundaries, both social and physical, by reaching his hand right over the urinal divider in order to flush for another student. When questioned about his breaking of the lavatory taboo, Jackson Tuttle ‘24 defended his actions by shrugging his…
FUERTES OBSERVATORY – Emerging from hours of research using the large refracting telescope on North Campus, Cornell’s top astronomers report that tonight’s supermoon will be pretty big, and also probably really bright or whatever. “It’s no total eclipse or transit of Venus or anything really cool, but it’ll be a nice little thing for the…
If you met Thomas the Tank Engine in real life, would you flirt with him? Between the Webkinz and the Beanie Babies, which are tops and which are bottoms? Justify your answer. On a scale of one to ten, if you were one of Mr. Rogers’ puppets, how good would his hand feel up you?…
