WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a…
CORNELL LAB OF ORNITHOLOGY—After being barred from entering her lab, student researcher Rose Schwartz ‘21 speculated that scientific journals would cut her some slack if she fudged the numbers a little bit in her study of bird genomics. “I understand that publications like Science and Nature have pretty high standards for their journals, but I…
GATES HALL—In a heartwarming acknowledgment of the incredibly stressful environment his students are living in, one kind-hearted computer science professor put soothing music on during a prelim that he predetermined would be curved to an average of a near-failing grade. “The last few weeks have been stressful for my students. I saw them Zooming in…
ZETA IOTA TAU SORORITY — Sorority Big Joan Kleinberg ’17 realized today that her Little is much bigger than she is. The Little, Emma Yang ’18, is considerably bigger than her Big, mainly owing to the fact that her Big is quite little. “It just occurred to me that she’s gigantic!” exclaimed the small Big,…
BARTON HALL — Cornell Career Services announced today that, in order to generate enthusiasm and interest in its opportunities, the first 150 entrants to the Career Fair would receive complimentary Career-themed pinnies, a Cornell beanie, and a challenging, rewarding career which could easily last a lifetime. “We want to make sure that Cornell students get…
WEST CAMPUS—The McGraw Hall renovations this semester have forcibly relocated much of the History Department. One faculty member, Professor Williams, has responded to the relocation by taking up temporary residence at a nearby fraternity house on West Campus. Several months since the move, Williams seems to have assimilated into the fraternity’s culture: participating in traditions,…
CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse. “I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, but doing that sober is…
As an undergraduate Cornell student, I was overjoyed to receive an email from “OpaVote Voting Link.” I thought, “Finally! I get to use my voice for something that matters: a referendum to decide the best of K-Pop icon PSY’s songs!” It came as an absolute surprise; I’m on all the PSY forums, how had I…
COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors. “I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to…
MVR HALL – A recent study within the department shows that Human Development students are rapidly evolving faster than what was previously imagined possible. “My brain efficiency is operating at 97%. My telekinetic ability is reaching maximum potential. Early diagnostic reports suggest my muscle mass has doubled,” stated LeAnn Benson ‘19, a highly advanced student…
