LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers. “Planning Slope Day on a…
ARTS QUAD—Well-rested and ready to tackle any threat to the safety of Cornell students, former Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner was witnessed wrestling with an anthropomorphic coronavirus in front of Goldwin Smith Hall. “It looks like Zoner was using a combination of Judo and Jiu Jitsu,” said bystander DeAndre Williams ’23. “She swept it from…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Before answering a question proposed by his professor, freshman John Higgins ‘23 boldly implied to everyone in the room that he had actually done the required readings for class that day and that he was completely ready to deliver an adequate response. “I really just wanted to clarify that I had done the…
Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had to offer, Sarah Waller ‘21…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and…
DAY HALL—In an effort to restore Cornell University to its rightful status as a paragon of free speech, Provost Kotlikoff has invited Ann Coulter ‘84 to speak on her illustrious career in tweeting and speaking to disinterested crowds. To great surprise, the prestigious alumnus accepted, but not without demands. The terms and conditions, arriving in…
DONLON HALL—Jacob Goldstein ‘21 spent a few extra minutes Saturday morning strolling around his Donlon floor after a walk of shame, clearly trying to make sure his floormates know he had sex the night before. “I really just wanted a chance to stretch my legs a bit more, considering I did a lot of strenuous…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy…
ITHACA- In a surprise announcement Thursday, Slope Day Programming Board named the McGraw Tower Chimes as the headliner for this year’s concert. “I love the Chimes. I listen to them all the time. I hope they play Here Comes the Sun,” said sophomore Amanda Augustin, who conceded that she would be happy if she could…
