When students find themselves over-stressed by Cornell’s rigorous academic environment, some might feel trapped, show signs of depression, or generally feel that they have nobody to smell, or to smell them. The New Olfactory Service for Emotional Support (NOSES) is an attempt by the Dean of Students’ office to provide a constructive outlet for a…
For years, Cornell University has instituted reckless, unempathetic, totalitarian rule over its students. From old-school behavioral codes to more modern restrictions on dining plans and housing, every aspect of our lives are controlled by Martha’s cackling cabal of campus administrators. Yet one mandate has gone unprotested, undiscussed, and the sheeple refuse to address it in…
THE CORNELL CLUB OF NEW YORK— Following the Student Assembly’s decision to storm the National Archives and scribble smiley faces all over the Bill of Rights, alumni have begun to lament the death of the Cornell they once knew. “Ah, how I miss the good old days!” exclaimed Charles Olin ‘58 as he paused his…
HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…
MALLOTT HALL — To celebrate all the great advancements in mathematics made possible by the almighty irrational number, Cornell’s nerds are all set to throw a huge rager for Super-Pi Day on Saturday, 3/14/15. The date marks an extraordinary numerical parallel with pi to the unheard of degree of four decimal places, and the university’s…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know. “Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer camp in 2010,” said Dr….
HO PLAZA — Senior Justine Mangold was seen walking around Ho Plaza with a handheld whiteboard and expensive HD camera, eagerly looking for clubs that might need them in order to engage with the student community. “I thought somebody out here would want to use my 10.2 Mega pixel Nikon D3000 to effectively capture the…
NORTH CAMPUS—Last month, the latest round of consulting club hopefuls had their dreams crushed by curtly written rejection emails after weeks of coffee chats, interviews, and kissing ass. With the busy life of Cornell’s young financial consultants out of the picture, these rejects have been forced to enjoy their youth instead. Levi Gonzales ‘29, a…
COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day. “I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 hours and 3 cups of…
