ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
The Princeton review collegiate newspaper rankings recently redacted their placement of the Cornell Daily Sun as the number one collegiate news publication, instead replacing it with the critically acclaimed site ezrahub.com. Princeton review chairman William Tukling explained to CU Nooz, “We reviewed our numbers, and realized no one actually reads the Sun. Meanwhile, thousands of students…
ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend. “It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains,…
WHITE PLAINS, N.Y.—Reporting that she “just couldn’t help herself,” local aunt Shelby Gallagher put marshmallows in her sweet potato casserole this Thanksgiving. Gallagher, known to her family as the “fun aunt,” retains this title through similar antics, like bringing pumpkin spice-flavored whipped cream to dinner last year. “It’s not every day you get the chance…
IVES HALL–On Wednesday afternoon, the students of Introduction to Oceanography received rave reviews from guest speaker Dr. Thomas Rolland. “In my many years of guest lecturing about the beauties and wonders of silt, I have never seen a class more excited or engaged,” declared Rolland. “The moment Professor Monger said that the content of my…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Not even ten minutes into a two-and-a-half hour class, students in GOVT 4250: American Political Institutions report that Professor Jeremy Gilmore is already starting to get all worked up about the lecture material. Students braced for the inevitable crush of boredom as Professor Gilmore ascended his soapbox and began preaching about something to…
DAY HALL—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff has announced the formation of a new tusk force to study the possibility of buying some super awesome elephants. According to a campus-wide email sent earlier today, the Presidential Tusk Force to Explore the Purchase of a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants was created to “examine critical questions concerning how…
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to 32 undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird. “There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but absolutely no discussion of all…
COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…
