TENAFLY, NEW JERSEY—Visiting home for a seemingly uneventful Seder, Dan Waxman ‘25 found himself effectively slain in the minds of his entire extended family after his younger brother was accepted into the far more prestigious Yale University. “I feel like a ghost,” complained a saddened Waxman. “Last year I was ‘Mr. Ivy League,’ but now…
WEST CAMPUS – After two days and dozens of dull conversations with fraternity brothers, Kyle McDonald ‘19 sees his boring hometown on Long Island as a crippling liability that might keep him from getting into his dream frat. “I just feel like if I had a really cool thing to talk about when I introduce…
DAY HALL—As Thanksgiving Day nears, Cornell’s campus nears emptiness as most students, staff, and faculty leave Ithaca to celebrate with family. For the few who remain, Morrison Dining offers its annual Celebration of Gratitude Dinner. However, for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, Thanksgiving is more than just a celebration. Spectators recall watching Kotlikoff follow live turkeys…
DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader. “La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with…
HIGH RISE 5- Reports indicate that Simon Blackwell ’18, after completely unpacking his belongings into his dorm room and walking back with his parents out to the car, was given cryptic, nearly incomprehensible advice by his father. “Now look son, college is a new stepping stone in your life. You can step on it, give…
DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a higher tuition will help fund…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Each semester, thousands of freshmen are encouraged to engage with Cornell’s vast breadth of knowledge in the form of its abundant and diverse Freshman Writing Seminars (FWS). However, for Blake Perry ‘28, there lingers a feeling of unfairness in the system due to fun classes being filled up quickly. “My first choice was…
TONI MORRISON HALL—All good things must come to an end, and so it goes that Cornell University’s lovable resident arsonist appears to have retired from their incendiary lifestyle. Despite President Martha Pollack’s hefty reward of 30 BRBs for any information, CUPD remains at a loss for their location, and the student body has resigned itself…
At an event on Mother’s Day, President Pollack expressed her appreciation for the strong women who bore the burden of populating the forthcoming Cornell class of 2045. “Happy Mother’s Day! Motherhood is the greatest gift in life– any mother will tell you that,” began Pollack. “Sooooo, you’re welcome!” The celebration was highly interactive; inspired by…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—As club finances have begun to run out, organizations around campus have been getting desperate in their attempts to gather funding. Certain organizations have been taking especially unique approaches. Particularly aggressive clubs have resorted to tackling passersby and shoving multitudes of stale, cold, chicken sandwiches down their throats. “One moment I was on…
