COLLEGETOWN—An unexpected turn of events left a group of friends seriously concerned while making plans for the weekend. In a move that baffled the whole group, Sam Thompson ‘26 replied in agreement of a plan within seconds of it being suggested. “I sent out a text about grabbing drinks, and Sam responded with ‘I’m in!’…
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester. “I know this is sorta making history, and it…
I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in. It’s not…
ITHACA COMMONS—After over a decade of publishing their daily newspaper online, The Cornell Daily Sun has officially decided to cut their anachronistic and outdated digital branch and stop publishing on their website. “We at the Sun have a commitment to staying contemporary and felt that deleting our website would be a good place to start…
COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline. “‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A…
WILLARD STRAIGHT THE HALL — Chance the Rapper will perform at this year’s Slope Day concert, announced Slope Day Programming Board the Committee, along with Magic! the Reggae Fusion Band as the opening act. The decision has been generally well-received by students of Cornell the University, who will attend Slope Day on May 7, 2015…
COLLEGETOWN- Due to the success of their Wednesday night Fishbowls special, Collegetown bar Level B has announced the creation of a themed drink for every night of the week based around various household objects and containers. “If I’ve learned anything in my time at Level B, it’s that people love drinking, but they hate drinking…
DAY HALL- Thanks to the actions of investigative journalists at Project Veritas, the Cornell community was shocked and appalled to learn Wednesday that the University strongly supports the actions of ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. “Yeah, that would be okay,” said Assistant Dean of Students Joe Scaffido, probably in response to a…
COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…
