Student Praised by Relatives at Thanksgiving Secretly Failing Class
BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you…
Fashion Major Stressed The Fuck Out About Zipper Final
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers. “I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head…
Dank Frat Basement Designated as Protected Wetland Habitat by New York State
STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched despite its close proximity to…
Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement
MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…
Simon And Garfunkel to Headline Slope Day
ITHACA, NY – Campus was abuzz today with Slope Day Programming Board’s announcement that the immensely popular 1960’s folk/rock duo Simon and Garfunkel would be headlining Slope Day 2014. “We got a lot of requests this year, and it was a tough call. More popular solo artists like James Taylor and Neil Young were in…
Tour Guide Shows Visiting Parents How to Hold Out Hand for Anxiety-Ridden Cornellian to Sniff Before Asking Them About SAT Scores
HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children. “A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like…
2020 Grads Excited to Relive Glory Days of Having Things Canceled by COVID
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives. “It’s exactly how I…
“Big Red” Nickname Changed Following Opposition by Colorblind
ITHACA, NY- In an effort to remain one of the country’s most welcoming, friendly, and accommodating universities, Cornell, behind the leadership of its President David Skorton, has decided to rename it’s mascot, “Big Red,” to be more colorblind friendly. Skorton said today in a press conference, “we want all Cornellians to be able to have…
FWS On “Socioeconomic Impacts Of 19th Century French Colonialism” Surprisingly Not As Fun As FWS On “Watching Movies With Joyous Whimsy”
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Each semester, thousands of freshmen are encouraged to engage with Cornell’s vast breadth of knowledge in the form of its abundant and diverse Freshman Writing Seminars (FWS). However, for Blake Perry ‘28, there lingers a feeling of unfairness in the system due to fun classes being filled up quickly. “My first choice was…