GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—With ClubFest around the corner, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have already begun the frantic race to recruit the newest crop of bright, eager young minds. Veteran students know that this is a marathon, not a sprint; lengthy application processes reward only the most determined, tenacious, and desperate candidates. Alpha Zeta Delta Pre-Business Fraternity has…
If I am forced to endure the humiliation of being placed with three random students for a doomed group project, required to carry the burden that is creating the PowerPoint, and undergo the emotional labor of selecting the order in which the names will be listed on the presentation. (If I put my name first,…
For the past two months, I’ve been asking out my crush, only to be disappointed when she says that she has a prelim later that evening and every day for the rest of the week as well. I guess I can’t blame her for studying so diligently with her 240-credit schedule and all, but boy…
DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year. “We believe that it is not in our best interest at this…
STEWART AVE—The residents of 522 Stewart Ave were faced with an unprecedented predicament this morning after their night out, which began quite typically, ended with their acquisition of 26 year Duke Construction Company veteran Stanley Jurgis. While the group has plundered other objects in the past, their theft of a fellow human being is a…
COLLEGETOWN — After several months of research and careful consideration, you can safely say that your mother bears no resemblance whatsoever to your girlfriend. This breakthrough is a result of tireless effort on the part of your conscious mind, constantly evaluating your girlfriend’s features and actions to ensure that she bears no resemblance to the…
MEWS HALL – After Derek G., class of 2022, hurled his open-faced meatball sub against the Mews 3-East study lounge, “Now that everyone has something to talk about, things have become a lot more sociable!” reported residence hall director Jenna F. “Things were pretty desolate before the sub…I hadn’t made eye contact with my roommate…
COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch. “At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. “But then I got a…
WEST CAMPUS—Following revelations that a campus fraternity conducted a contest in which new members racked up points based on having sexual intercourse, Cornell fraternities are starting to worry they might not be seen as models of tolerance and respect on campus. “I’ve always thought of us as pioneers when it comes to promoting open-mindedness and…
ITHACA, N.Y. — I’m no address connoisseur, but I’ve always been an avid fan of the Cornell Daily Sun’s journalism. Ever since I opened my first newspaper, I’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to their integrity, professionalism, and of course, their relevant reporting. To express my appreciation, I decided to rank the top 10 addresses of…
