GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
COLLEGETOWN – Frustrated by the occupancy turnover rate at his Collegetown property, local landlord Henry Maier is now requiring a minimum five-year lease for all incoming renters. “At first I couldn’t figure out why tenants were so eager to move out,” Maier said of students living in his seven Collegetown properties. “Then I realized, they…
Alas! Martha Pollack hath revealed the purpose behind the ever-growing clocktower scaffolding. The construction shall never end so long as the sun still shines and the Cayuga lake runs blue of water and not red of blood. In an official statement on Monday, Pollack restated her commitment to the end of days cause. “The scaffolding…
LARKSPUR, COLORADO — Recently admitted student Jacob Gerritsen was excited to graduate last Spring after using the 32 AP exams he took in high school, placing him out of every class in his Economics major. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping to actually take some classes, but I guess this is alright,” said the prospective…
BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period. According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first…
ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend. “It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains,…
TRENTON, NJ-Amidst public outrage by Ithaca residents over the closing of East Avenue, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has publicly come out in support of the “construction” project. “Sometimes, a government or administrative body needs to use alternative means to teach it’s constituency a lesson. The most effective way to do so are through graft, bullying…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world on my shoulders,” Atlas complained…
DAY HALL—President Martha Pollack announced her proposal to unify all seven of the undergraduate colleges under the name “Cornell University” in a press conference this Tuesday. “After the merger, students will finally be able to study arts, sciences, engineering, architecture, planning, agricultural sciences, life sciences, human ecology, hotel administration, and industrial and labor relations all…
PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum. “We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics…
