DUFFIELD HALL—Table configurations in Duffield Hall this evening indicate that yet another fucking event is taking place in the Engineering Quad’s busiest hall. “I was just eating at Mattin’s when three students came up and yanked my seat from under me, muttering something about ‘needing my chair for the Tesla people,’” said Jessica Nguyen ‘20….
COLLEGETOWN—Following months of delays since this past summer, Ithaca Beer Co. has promised they will finally open once they’ve acquired gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. “We were hoping the issues we had with acquiring our liquor license would be the last of the obstacles we would encounter,” said owner, Mark Speltz. “I haven’t had…
Being the leader of a group of pedestrians arriving at a crosswalk comes with immense responsibility, one that many Cornellians seem unfathomably unaware of. It is the civic duty that upholds the balance and integrity of the transportation system, and in turn, all of civilization: pressing the crosswalk button. There’s no denying the gravity of…
THURSTON AVENUE—Partygoers were perplexed when Phi Alpha Rho doorman Terrance Robinson ‘25 asked them if they had three brothers before admitting them to the event. “I think the guy was kinda in over his head,” said attendee Jared Carlson ‘24. “I thought I’d misheard [Robinson] at first, but he was insistent that I tell him…
CARPENTER HALL—Mechanical Engineering student Jon Morrison ‘21 has shattered all previous recorded attempts to describe the undergraduate major in “Industrial and Labor Relations” by explaining it in under 100 words. In an email sent to his younger cousin considering applying to ILR, Morrison outlined the various aspects of the universally confusing degree. “ILR is all…
DENVER, CO—Members of a local AEM 2420 group project gained an unexpected glimpse into the private life of teammate Ryan Homans ’23 after he accidentally messaged in the wrong GroupMe. “Heyy boyys, just grabbed the harnesses. The swing is still in Liam’s garage- it needs to be wiped down… badly :),” wrote Homans to the…
My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that puts my entire community at…
RISLEY HALL — Noting instances of public nudity and all-around clusterfucks, several students reported that there was some weird shit going down at Risley Hall. “I heard that Colin is putting on a production of who the fuck knows,” said Sabrina Petrone ‘19. “Maybe that’s why he was carrying a conjoined twin sex doll and…
My name is Paul Goodman and I am, in fact, in a secret society. That’s right — I’m in Quill and Dagger. I really want to emphasize that though I am actively telling you that I am in a secret society, I really would appreciate if you kept this information to yourself. I’m only telling…
