KENNEDY HALL- Following an entire year of taking introductory classes for the eventual B.S. degree, Comm major Samantha Booker ’17 admitted that at this point in her collegiate career she still is unaware of what ‘Comm’ stands for. “Computers? Community? Combative training? I really don’t know, and these classes aren’t giving me any hints,” complained…
THE GREAT BEYOND/ITHACA, NY – While historian Goldwin Smith is most notably remembered for his academic achievements, recent actions taken by the ghost of the celebrated professor have reminded the campus of his more deplorable beliefs. Smith, an Oxford educated historian was revered for his passionate study of history and colonialism. In 1911, a building erected…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- In an attempt to raise interest in a football program that has struggled in recent years, the Cornell football team announced today that it would begin a new rivalry with the concept of winning, starting this season. “We really just needed to get some of these Cornellians energized and excited to watch our…
ITHACA, NY-Professor James Karpman began his fourth lecture of the semester today by continuing to review the fundamental plans and curriculum outlines for BIO 2380. Students are reportedly getting restless at the professor’s thoroughly detailed overview of his course plans for the semester. “On the first day we went over the basics of what units…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester. “I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30…
BAKER LAB — Dr. William Dichtel was awarded the highly prestigious MacArthur “Genius Award” Fellowship when he became the first person to pass an orgo prelim that he himself gave to his students. When asked about how he earned the $625,000 recognition, Dichtel replied “I studied for a few hours, but at the end of…
DAILY SUN HEADQUARTERS—In honor of the paper’s 139th anniversary, this week The Cornell Daily Sun re-published its first ever op-ed, titled “In Defense Of Slavery.” Written by Peter Whitman ‘1884, a then-freshman from Alabama, the op-ed describes slavery as “not that bad” and the Civil War as “just a bunch of Republicans getting offended over…
MEWS HALL — Student Assembly Candidate Ingrid Ahlers ‘18 is currently leading in the fall election, likely due to the fact that her name comes first on the ballot. CU Nooz surveyed over 250 students who had already voted, and all agreed that the biggest quality they look for in a candidate was how far…
COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18,…
