ITHACA WASTE LAND, NY -In a statement issued to the press from the dark corner of the Chapter House, David Skorton warned students to prepare themselves for the winter storm expected to continue through Thursday. Having initially called attention to himself through a sordid laugh, the President warned the Cornell community, “Storm’s coming. I hope…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, one of my foremost responsibilities is to ensure the well-being of our many employees. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides in improving working conditions and ensuring harmonious labor relations. From generously raising the pay of grad student workers to confirming a previous positive assessment of…
HIGHLAND PLACE—Demonstrating Ithaca’s dedication to excellence, the Street Cleaning Crew worked around the clock this past weekend, valiantly battling the wild forces of Mother Nature, clearing snow from every pavement alongside their gerrymandered snow routes. “Too long has our poor performance been fodder for small talk with that person you have nothing in common…
ITHACA — Cornell Facilities Services has announced that construction of the Klarman Hole is on track and scheduled for completion by December of 2015. The new hole will be located adjacent to Goldwin Smith Hall on the East Avenue side, where it shall serve as Cornell’s “Hole for the Humanities.” This concept, as detailed by…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Future captains of industry in discussion section 312 of ECON 1110 made massive academic headway last week after finally learning the value of a quarter. The super sleuths were finally able to ‘make cents’ out of the cryptic coins whose meaning had long evaded them. “It’s really important to me that I take…
IVES HALL—New research has confirmed that the vast majority of ILR students were drawn to their major due in part to the political ideology presented in Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type, Doreen Cronin’s 2000 commentary on labor relations in the American heartland. “Click, Clack, Moo completely revolutionized my life when I first read it…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus. But goddamn, did we fuck this one up. While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement,…
A generous donation from Ann S. Bowers ‘59 has allowed Cornell’s College of Computing and Information Science to embark on an ambitious multi-year project aimed at finally helping its 2,000 students reach second base. “As CIS grows in scope and scale, we seek to prioritize the needs of students in our strategic development, which is…
This post is sponsored by The Skits. Go see The Skits Present: Shouldn’t We Have Graduated By Now – A 25th Anniversary Alumni Show, Saturday, March 10th at 9:00pm in Barnes Hall. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com BARNES HALL—The much anticipated Skits 25th anniversary show hit an awkward patch…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
