COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—The many patrons of Collegetown Bagels were made unknowing witnesses to a masterful display of proper patient privacy procedure by Cornell Health therapist Dr. Lynn Dravis this Thursday. While standing in the restaurant’s famous and extensive line, Dr. Dravis discretely and purposefully winked towards her patient, Ken Pollmer ‘24, communicating an entire doctrine’s worth…
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell. “Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt…
COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Climpton stated while silently unscrewing…
CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s. “The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Harvard and Brown also lost…
COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest CTB California Sunshine bagel. I’m…
DONLON HALL—What started as a routine laundry day quickly turned into a spin cycle of chaos when Jacob Yates ‘28 found himself headfirst in the dorm’s new top-load washing machine. Yates was attempting to retrieve “the world’s most elusive sock” when he leaned in too far and fell squarely into the machine’s dark grasp. Yates…
ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep. “Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every…
NORTH CAMPUS – Upon parking the family’s light blue Town & Country near Mews Hall, the mother of incoming freshman Tricia Duvan ’20 was reportedly, great, already crying over the idea of leaving her only daughter in this new and strange college environment without her mother by her side. “Oh, my sweet, sweet daughter! Just…
DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation. “Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and patient smile. “Someday, they will…
COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from…
