WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began. “My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
When people think of Cornell’s most distinctive features, they usually come up with three things: the gorges, former president Hunter R. Rawlings III, and the swim test. The last is particularly renowned, with many alumni citing it as among their most formative college experiences. But a dark truth hides beneath the pool’s chlorinated surface. For…
IVES HALL—Amid the aftermath of the administration’s decision to discontinue its contract with Starbucks, cheers cascaded through Ives Hall as labor organizers and union supporters alike celebrated the decision. Among the gleeful shouts, Jack Stowe’s cheers rang the loudest. “We did it!” exclaimed Stowe. “The credit for such an achievement goes out to the entire…
STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable. “I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else…
By Former Professor Brian Wansink After years of being a legendary celebrity in the world of food science research, I was still at the top of my game here at Cornell, basking in the glory of my decades of hard work. Sure, I fudged a few numbers here and there, and may or may not…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—In a surprising display of enthusiasm for nine in the goddamn morning, Professor Brian Kennedy began his first lecture of the day by kicking down the lecture hall door and shouting at the top of his lungs, “It’s derivation time, baby!” The esteemed and tenured member of the physics department, fueled by his love…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers. “I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night. “This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on…
OUTSIDE DAY HALL – After zipping up his jacket all the way to his chin, putting on a second pair of socks, and donning a fluffy winter hat, reports indicate that spring transfer Kyle Ortiz ’20 is already cold. “Brrr, it’s cold here! Certainly different from the University of Miami,” said Ortiz, seemingly unaware of…
