Feral Pack of Freshman Terrorize Collegetown Parties

COLLEGETOWN- A roving pack of freshmen numbering somewhere between 15 and 25 was reported around the Collegetown area last night terrorizing parties. Residents are advised to take precautions against the feral creatures, says CUPD representative Trisha Brenning. “Around this time of year, these packs of young adults can easily form when one of them decides…

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Dad Offers Freshman Cryptic Advice

HIGH RISE 5- Reports indicate that Simon Blackwell ’18, after completely unpacking his belongings into his dorm room and walking back with his parents out to the car, was given cryptic, nearly incomprehensible advice by his father. “Now look son, college is a new stepping stone in your life. You can step on it, give…

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CU Nooz’s Guide to Move-In Day

Move-In Day can be a mess, with thousands of students moving into their North Campus dorms. Stay ahead of the curve with these helpful tips: To make moving into your room a breeze, don’t bring anything. Secure a coveted parking spot close to your dorm arriving on campus 3 weeks late. Organize everyone in your…

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Student Researcher Discovers 70 New Kinds of Sweat

ITHACA, NY — Last Tuesday, rising Junior Archie Spruce published the findings of his research detailing a remarkable 70 (previously undocumented) new kinds of sweat. Spruce is spending the summer in Ithaca conducting his research as “the humid, jungle-like temperatures” provided ideal experimental conditions. “We are pleased to publish the conclusions of our study, conducted…

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