ITHACA- In a study put out by Gannett Health Services, it was discovered that at least 95% of all free condoms given out in their main lobby are used by students to try to impress their friends. “I think I’ll just grab two for now, that should be fine for the next week or so”…
CARPENTER HALL—Mechanical Engineering student Jon Morrison ‘21 has shattered all previous recorded attempts to describe the undergraduate major in “Industrial and Labor Relations” by explaining it in under 100 words. In an email sent to his younger cousin considering applying to ILR, Morrison outlined the various aspects of the universally confusing degree. “ILR is all…
NORTH CAMPUS — Eager to begin her tenure as Cornell’s 13th president, Elizabeth Garrett finally moved into her single in Balch Hall this past week. “It’s such a nice room” said Garrett as she tacked up photos of her family’s dog on her cork board. “I have my own sink and a great view of…
MORRISON HALL—After years of student probing and questioning over the recipe to Morrison Hall’s famous baked goods, Cornell Dining chefs have finally acknowledged the secret ingredient in every Cornell muffin: pure hatred. “Every muffin we produce is crafted with pure disdain in order to produce the taste of distilled loathing every Cornell student loves,” explained…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head. “I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, but I can’t shake the…
HOLLISTER HALL – Engineering professor Edward McTiernan was observed wearing a wristwatch while teaching his embedded systems lecture Monday morning, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there are clocks almost everywhere on this college campus. “When I saw Dr. McTiernan with a watch, I was pretty confused, considering there are at least three clocks in…
After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2019. Here are the official admissions statistics of those lucky 15% that were accepted: 1st – 21st generation college student: 100% Admissions Department Favorite Student: Jared Middle 50% of admitted students scored between 90 and 95 Of Football recruits, those who…
ITHACA- Over the course of the summer, Cornell Information Technologies has sent out a series of emails explaining the retirement of the campus Wi-Fi network RedRover Secure and encouraging users to switch to EduFoam, a liquid-foam spray that provides connection to the internet when applied directly to a laptop, tablet, or mobile device. “We think…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Millions of Americans joined No Kings protests across the country on Saturday to demonstrate nonviolently against the Trump administration. While record-breaking turnouts from Ithaca to the nation’s capital were one encouraging sign of growing anti-fascist coalition, even more impressive was participants’ fervent desire to put on the greatest talent show this nation has ever…
