After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities. By employing mathematical models and indexes including…
DAY HALL—Yesterday, the University selected 5,288 students to create “the most diverse class in university history” and is proud to welcome the Class of 2022 to a campus riddled with hate crimes. “We have admitted a highly talented and accomplished [class] who will flourish as Cornellians,” said senior vice provost Barbara Knuth, neglecting to add…
DONLON HALL – After a few days of attempting to secure new friendships with merely his kind nature and sense of humor, Ari Neilson ’19 has decided to change his strategy, hoping now to lure friends solely by hanging a large Bob Marley poster in his room. “I thought I could establish lifelong friendships by…
SAGE HALL—The highly exclusive business clubs have begun their brutal recruitment process. The infamous coffee chat is their weapon of choice, a formidable game of skill, wits, and mental strength used to prove a prospective member’s worth to the esteemed members of the club. One such meeting was overheard last afternoon. “Me suit better, BIGGER…
ITHACA, NY — Cornell Junior James Pratchett, who will win a seat in the US Senate in 2037, capped off a night of drinking at a friend’s house by throwing up into his fishbowl and leaving before he could be confronted about it. On the way home, Pratchett — who will be remembered by his…
HUMAN ECOLOGY BUILDING—Local Fiber Science & Apparel Design major Daphne Gladden ’23 is reportedly excited to wow her family by graduating with a degree from Cornell University’s proposed College of Public Policy. “When I told my family that I wanted to study fashion design at a “Human Ecology” school, my parents weren’t thrilled,” explained Gladden….
COLLEGETOWN— To the delight of students and faculty across campus, the recently-opened Johnson School building in Collegetown provides a new class setting and study space adjacent to Ithaca’s most popular waxing spot. “I love being able get my monthly Brazilian only steps away from my first class,” said Madeline West, MBA ‘18 as she gazed…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
Find your favorite charter. Attend your 1:25 class. Dress up Ezra and A.D. White’s corpses for the Sesquicentennial Bring A.D. White and Ezra Cornell to the Cornell Dairy Bar and demand three free ice creams. Order the whole menu at CTB and tell them Ezra will take care of it. Take Ezra Cornell to Day…
