COLLEGETOWN- College of Human Ecology sophomore Sandra Owings reported did literally “nothing” during this past weekend’s February Break. “I mostly just sat around, didn’t do any work or go out or anything,” said the Human Development major who remained sprawled out on the couch in her Collegetown apartment having not left that position since 1:30…
Ithaca, N.Y. — Two weeks ago, Cornell’s bhangra dance group won a Today show talent contest and earned a spot in the quarter finals of ABC’s hit show America’s Got Talent. The response from the Cornell community has been overwhelmingly supportive after finding out through this news that the group exists. Many Cornellians chimed in…
MVR HALL – A recent study within the department shows that Human Development students are rapidly evolving faster than what was previously imagined possible. “My brain efficiency is operating at 97%. My telekinetic ability is reaching maximum potential. Early diagnostic reports suggest my muscle mass has doubled,” stated LeAnn Benson ‘19, a highly advanced student…
The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends. The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can only be enemies or lovers,…
GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17. “If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed…
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…
DAY HALL — According to multiple reports, Cornell University will receive a gigantic Johnson endowment later this upcoming year. In a press conference earlier today, President Hunter Rawlings III stated he hopes this “generous gift will enhance Cornell’s performance for years to come” and wishes to see “what the endowment really has to offer the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Like lambs to slaughter, the latest victims of Cornell’s most indigestible dining hall were lining up for their daily source of slop. The lamenting calls of students who had used up the remainder of their BRBs early in the semester echoed in the air. A chill passed through Willard Straight Hall and students…
IVES HALL—Professor Parker Wallace was taken aback early Monday morning when he received an email that each student in his Introduction To Organizational Behavior class had already completed their anonymous online course evaluation. Spending a few minutes perusing their comments over a cup of coffee, Wallace reached the very last without any notable criticisms. It…
DAY HALL—Following last weekend’s Homecoming festivities, one topic has come to dominate the on-campus conversation. But after many requests for comment, Cornell appears to be unwilling to address the controversial question: Does Touchdown the Bear have sex? “The administration’s refusal to clarify this essential issue is honestly quite troubling,” stated student representative Bryan Wiseman ‘18….
