COLLEGETOWN—After a toilsome day of classes, work, and club responsibilities, Cara Lewis ‘22 finished off her evening with a hot shower and a cold beer she described as “well-deserved.” “There was just so much going on today—I don’t know how I’d be expected not to have a little nightcap,” said Lewis. “I knew it…
UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite. The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta…
ITHACA, NY- An alert email has informed the Cornell community of a campuswide closure between 3am and 10am, in order to prevent students from travelling throughout campus during this time period. In a recent announcement, the administration justified their decision, stating, “Without this closing of campus, thousands of students might attempt to brave the elements…
NORTH CAMPUS — Amidst growing concerns of insufficient student housing, Cornell has announced that a new spatial dimension will be constructed on North Campus to accommodate the incoming class of 2020. “We used to have to force triples and quads in some of the high rises, but recent advances in technology mean that we can fit…
MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days. “It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years….
Local Investment Banker-in-the-making Kent Gonzalez allegedly sort of knows what the word “leverage” means. “It has to do with debt, I know that. And ‘leverage’ sounds like ‘lever’, which you use to balance something, so it’s like balancing the books with debt, right?” says Kent Gonzalez, the student who dreams of one day working for…
HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision. Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which…
COLLEGETOWN — The Eddy Street Gate released a statement saying that it, too, has no idea how it got there. The gate, originally erected in 1896, was supposed to be an entrance to Cornell’s main campus, but by some unknown mechanism is sitting in the back alley behind Cascadilla Hall. “I don’t belong here,” said…
Thanksgiving Break is often a stressful time full of personality clashes and ideological disagreements. Here are CU Nooz’s tips for surviving! Offer to breed, raise, slaughter, clean, and roast the turkey to avoid spending time with distant cousins. Communicate only through memes to show your great aunt that your thoughts and feelings are in fact…
ITHACA, NY – Fifty fun-loving Cornell students took a break from classes last Thursday to hold a festive block party on East Avenue and Tower Road, likely in celebration of another successful year of studying. “We believe that shared governance at Cornell is extremely important,” stated one wacky partier, her eyes brimming with laughter. “Students…
