ITHACA, NY – Campus was abuzz today with Slope Day Programming Board’s announcement that the immensely popular 1960’s folk/rock duo Simon and Garfunkel would be headlining Slope Day 2014. “We got a lot of requests this year, and it was a tough call. More popular solo artists like James Taylor and Neil Young were in…
KEETON HOUSE—Students flocked to the new Fall ‘24 course rosters, excited to plan their next academic semester. Unfortunately for one, their very own academic career has been hijacked by an apparent monopoly on required courses. Olivia Thompson ‘25 has only a few semesters to go, but she must overcome one final obstacle to gain the…
In a hostile takeover this past week, the Cornell chapter of sorority Sigma Kappa Tau ruthlessly overtook and installed their own dominion over the third floor of Mann Library. The monarchy, established with Lady Jenny Harquist ’14 as lord-protector of the realm, expects all students studying on 3 Mann to be vassals of the new…
BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING- Responding to claims that the student body and general public have a lack of insight into Cornell’s financial operations, President David Skorton told attendees of Monday’s Town Hall Meeting that the University will take steps toward greater financial translucency. “I understand that in an institution of our size, with a lot of red…
COLLEGETOWN—Over the course of four years at a university, many students must eventually confront the terrifying reality that they’ll make a “friend” with their same name that sticks around. Such panic set in for Kate McCarthy ‘25 after being introduced to a friend of a friend at Collegetown Bagels. “I played it cool at first,”…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programming Board has announced esteemed New York Times crossword clue Rita Ora will headline Slope Day. The vowel-heavy, classic three letter last name singer-songwriter will be welcomed to campus by puzzle aficionados and mini crossword lovers alike. With hits such as “Rita of pop music” or “British feature on Iggy…
CENTRAL CAMPUS — Chris Reynolds ‘18, a student in Beginning Mandarin I, has reportedly been attempting to greet every Asian student he passes by saying “Ni hao” as if it’s no big deal. “I don’t even know this kid,” said Charles Park, a senior in the Hotel school who walked by Reynolds on Ho Plaza…
URIS HALL— According to a recent study conducted by the Cornell Psychology Department, if you’re not good at something the first time you try it, you will always be terrible at it and should give up. “We examined people performing a wide range of activities for the first time, from knitting to surfing and playing…
IVES HALL—This Slope Day, rap and pop music icon Flo Rida racked up a shocking 1.5 hour wait for his arrival at the Slope due to a rigorous prep schedule, vocal exercises, and getting miserably lost in the ILR building. The morning of May 8, excited for his Cornell debut, Mr. Rida woke up extra…
SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like why they haven’t gotten their…
