GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Before answering a question proposed by his professor, freshman John Higgins ‘23 boldly implied to everyone in the room that he had actually done the required readings for class that day and that he was completely ready to deliver an adequate response. “I really just wanted to clarify that I had done the…
UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite. The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta…
OLIN LIBRARY—It’s in with the new and out with the old at Olin Library during its new renovations! The flooring, walls, ceilings, and furniture of the building will get an upgrade, but the transformation will also replace the old and dirty Rare Books collection with newer, more modern literature. A dusty, vibe-killing original copy of…
STATLER HALL–In a state of heart-pounding distress, School of Hotel Administration sophomore Franklin Terkinler ‘24 Googled the ingredients necessary to make a cobb salad in order to create flashcards for his upcoming prelim in HADM 4320: Contemporary Healthy Foods. “After I stupidly identified couscous as quinoa this past prelim, I really need to do well…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
Salutations my fellow denizens of this hallowed ground we refer to most nobly as Cornell University. As multitudes of you have come to fathom, our scholastic odyssey has come to an abrupt dismissal at the hands of this villainous pandemic. Nevertheless, there is little reason to become morose. I am here to show my solidarity…
DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading. “Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for…
MALLOTT HALL — To celebrate all the great advancements in mathematics made possible by the almighty irrational number, Cornell’s nerds are all set to throw a huge rager for Super-Pi Day on Saturday, 3/14/15. The date marks an extraordinary numerical parallel with pi to the unheard of degree of four decimal places, and the university’s…
GANNETT — After a steady increase in student Tetanus cases over the past year, Cornell University announced their plans to have all students receive a Tetanus vaccination before entering the infamously rusty Uris Hall. “Cornell aims to protect its students from the deadly diseases inherent on our campus,” said Deidre Moritz, a Gannett Health Services…
FUERTES OBSERVATORY – Emerging from hours of research using the large refracting telescope on North Campus, Cornell’s top astronomers report that tonight’s supermoon will be pretty big, and also probably really bright or whatever. “It’s no total eclipse or transit of Venus or anything really cool, but it’ll be a nice little thing for the…
