Update: In response to receiving a cease and desist letter from Coach USA’s assistant general counsel demanding CU Nooz remove the “libelous article concerning Shortline’s bus services as well as libelous comments attributed to representatives of Shortline”, this article has been updated to reflect that the student did not, in fact, spend the entirety of…
MEWS HALL — Student Assembly Candidate Ingrid Ahlers ‘18 is currently leading in the fall election, likely due to the fact that her name comes first on the ballot. CU Nooz surveyed over 250 students who had already voted, and all agreed that the biggest quality they look for in a candidate was how far…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL STAIRCASE—In a landmark win for woman across the nation and Cornell University’s campus, Sophie Yaxley ‘24 witnessed the unthinkable as a girl “man-walked” up the stairs two-at-a-time in a “watershed moment” for gender equality. “I didn’t even know we had the ability to do that,” said Yaxley ‘24, “I was absolutely stunned….
ITHACA, NY — Steven Terry, ‘17 , placed on academic probation this spring, reportedly found a real-life application for Calculus when he realized that he needed to pass the course in order to enjoy all the benefits conferred by a university diploma. The struggling Freshman was studying in the stacks when he frustratedly asked those…
COLLEGETOWN— In an unexpected turn of events, seniors Lara Murphy ‘21 and Janet Barr ‘21 finally met up for lunch after two years of half-heartedly ending their random encounters with,“We should get lunch sometime!” “At this point, I never really expected it to happen,” said an incredulous Barr. “We had an FWS together freshman year,…
MARY DONLON HALL—The transition to college is challenging for nearly everyone, especially as many freshmen find themselves sharing their living space with a stranger for the first time. Inevitably, these new roommates learn that becoming familiar with each other’s masturbation schedules as soon as possible helps to smooth out the adjustment to campus life. After…
WEST CAMPUS—Bernard Lee ‘23 recently spent eleven hours writing a negative evaluation of his COML 2050: Contemporary Young Adult Fiction class, more time than he had cumulatively spent on all the class’ assignments. “The professor once wrote ‘not enough details’ on one of my essays, so I sure proved him wrong with this course evaluation.”…
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors. “I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to…
