OLIN LIBRARY—Panic ensued among patrons of Libe Cafe as what started off as a wimpy high-pitched whine grew into a deafening whistle, its shrill sound piercing ears and shattering phone screens. Searching for a means of sequestering the shrieking, workers rushed to unplug their appliances and knock over anything that might produce such an intense…
HOLLISTER HALL – Engineering professor Edward McTiernan was observed wearing a wristwatch while teaching his embedded systems lecture Monday morning, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there are clocks almost everywhere on this college campus. “When I saw Dr. McTiernan with a watch, I was pretty confused, considering there are at least three clocks in…
After ten years of proud service as Head Chef of Cornell Dining, Jeremy Rogers finally revealed in a tell-all interview how he bakes his world-famous vegan cookies. According to Rogers, the trick to making his plant-based desserts so delicious has been none other than fresh butter churned right at the Cornell Dairy farm. Rogers explained…
STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with. “It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who…
University officials announced Monday that undergraduate tuition will increase by $1,920 beginning next year. CU Nooz provides the breakdown of exactly where that money will go on a per student basis. $10: Tuition increase commemorative baseball caps $15: Bronze statue of Touchdown the Big Red Bear counting money $5: Upgrades to dorm laundry facilities so…
BEEBE LAKE – Steadily accumulating a debt of over $100,000 over four years, Junior History major Landon Hearn has recently begun spending money that could pay off his mounting student loans on his new photography hobby. “I got a new camera and a pretty cool tripod, so I’m probably gonna go out every weekend and…
COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their…
DAY HALL—In an unusually sunny email, Vice President for Student & Campus Life Ryan Lombardi applauded the Cornell community, stating that in monday’s surveillance testing results, there were a total of 36 new cases, but -132 positive cases in the official NYS threshold count. “Today, I am proud to say that the active Cornell coronavirus…
STATLER HOTEL—Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a Hotelie informing unsuspecting, regular people of their “major” completely unprompted. One pair of hotel students has taken this fact to a new level, rethinking the societal norm of oversharing. “We like to practice our craft in interesting ways; just last week I organized my…
