MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch. Although Wentworth had long accepted his role…
DAY HALL – Cornell University was informed this morning that it will be placed under interim suspension for “credible evidence” of hazing fraternities, with actions such as “frequent suspensions” being reported. “We believe that Cornell has broken numerous rules in the way they are dealing with fraternities on campus, and when rules are broken there…
MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…
LOWER MANHATTAN, NY— On Day 3 of living with no wage, unpaid intern Kyle Warner ’19 has somehow managed to sustain himself without food, water, or respect. Responding to gnawing hunger and dehydration, Warner has learned to adapt to his hostile environment in order to remain standing. “Yesterday I foraged for dinner in the employee…
COMSTOCK HALL—Last week, Cornell received an OSHA complaint for improper use of personal protective equipment, following many students refusing to wear gloves in an Investigative Biology Laboratory. Some cite having a severe latex/nitrile allergy, others claim the glove sizes are woefully inadequate, and many blame it on an extreme downturn in pleasure. One student, Richard…
With Student Assembly elections currently underway, political analysts are calling this year’s campaigns some of the most highly contested in history. Here are the CU Nooz political team’s predictions: S.A. President: Sarah Balik. Thaddeus Talbot’s weak ankles and poor reflexes will be too much for him to overcome in the physical portion of…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Yesterday’s announcement that Varun Devatha ‘19 will be the next Student Assembly president brought a tumultuous election cycle to an end, leaving students eager to return to the days of ignoring all news related to the Student Assembly. “First there was the whole Cornell Cinema debacle, and now this convoluted presidential election fiasco…
COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Climpton stated while silently unscrewing…
DONLON HALL—With every Valentine’s day comes the Cornell Daily Sun’s Annual Love survey, profiling the love lives of thousands of students on campus. While this year’s survey showed a net uptick in sexual encounters on campus, it also revealed that all sex on campus is being had by one student: Kevin Jameson ’23. Whether it’s…
SCHURMAN HALL- Early investigative reports are hopeful that researchers at the vet school are working with some really cool snakes. “Our hopes are high that they might have some rattlesnakes or even a boa constrictor,” explained lead investigator Nick Dansby ’16, who conceded that although they wouldn’t be as cool, even a smaller garter snake…
