COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling. “I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a…
DONLON- As classes have started for students, reports indicate that all male freshmen are currently trying to figure out their masturbation schedules. “I know Peter has a lab every Monday night, so that might be a good time, though there may be other people on the floor at that time,” said Daniel Winters ’18 while…
GATES HALL — After an increasing number of students confused by the process of unsubscribing to an e-list, the Department of Computer Science faculty have announced plans to offer CS 0900: Leaving Listservs in the Digital Age. “More and more students of the Cornell community are beginning to realize that part of having a fulfilling…
The Cornell Administration has installed a wily bridge troll at the intersection of College and Oak Avenue in an effort to stave off Underclassmen looking to engage in illegal alcohol consumption. CU Nooz spoke to Student Health representative Michelle Kellers who explained: “We really needed a way to prevent students from crossing the bridge into…
STATLER HALL—Between bouts of violent, uncontrollable coughing characteristic of either a mild seasonal pollen allergy or the novel coronavirus, senior hotelie Milton Dyer lamented his springtime sniffles. “My allergies are so annoying this time of year,” said Dyer as he audibly struggled to catch his breath. When passed a paper cup of Bordeaux in Wines…
LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts for daily wear, Big Red…
GANNETT — A serious hardship for Cornell students is the steep hike up Libe Slope from West Campus, which often results in fatigue, soreness and loss of legs. Cornell Student Health Services has announced plans to open facilities at the summit of Libe Slope for the express purpose of re-attaching limbs that may have fallen…
COLLEGETOWN—Amongst the Halloween revelers, ghosts, goblins, and ghouls at this year’s Halloween festivities stood a group of costumes so outrageous that passersby were seen running and screaming from the scene. “There- there was a Josh Allen, a Travis Kelce, a Tom Brady, and a Lamar Jackson,” said a still shaking Fernando Robertson ’26. Now normally…
DAY HALL – Today, over a year and a half since the Gannett Health Fee was enacted, reports indicate that the university administrators are pretty stoked that everybody seems to have outright forgotten about the fee, which at the time incited anger and protests from students opposed to the unnecessary bursar charge. “Nobody is really…
COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
