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Collegetown Housewarming Party Lukewarm at Best

COLLEGETOWN—Roommates Sarah McClesky ‘26, Madison Blake ‘26, Lauren Mitchell ‘26, and Jessica Anderson ‘26 celebrated the start of the new semester with an age-old tradition—packing every single person they’ve ever met into their shitty collegetown apartment.  “It’s like, almost October,” noted invitee Camila Martin ‘27. “I think their 500-square-foot four-bedroom has been sufficiently warmed.” But…

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Cornell Changes Motto to “Any Person, Computer Science”

ENGINEERING QUADRANGLE—To celebrate the construction of the third computer science building, Cornell administration officially changed its motto from the inclusive “Any Person, Any Study” to the more accurate “Any Person, Computer Science.” Administrators claim that this better captures the current student body’s preferences. “We’re not stopping here,” said a spokesperson for the administration, detailing plans…

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Fourth Info Session Paints Club in Totally New Light

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—With ClubFest around the corner, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have already begun the frantic race to recruit the newest crop of bright, eager young minds. Veteran students know that this is a marathon, not a sprint; lengthy application processes reward only the most determined, tenacious, and desperate candidates.  Alpha Zeta Delta Pre-Business Fraternity has…

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“Hey! Do You Hate Your Life Too?”: Project Team Gauges Interest

ENGINEERING QUAD—With a new class of bright-eyed first-years settling into Cornell, the University’s many student organizations are seizing new recruitment opportunities. Project team members, in particular, have pounced at the chance to contact human life, move their limbs, get fresh air, et. cetera. “Hey! Do you share your life, too?” asked Dalia Good ‘26, an…

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