DAY HALL—Amid fallout from the most recent release of documents which further confirm President Trump’s ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff faces a dilemma regarding the recent deal the university concluded with the federal government. As part of the agreement, Kotlikoff and a guest received round-trip airfare and a…
WASHINGTON, DC—The House Oversight Committee released thousands of emails from the estate of deceased child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein last week, including one that refers to “photos of Trump blowing Bubba,” speculated to be a reference to former President Bill Clinton. While Trump and prominent Republicans attempted to deflect from further confirmations that Trump was aware…
THURSTON AVE. BRIDGE—At 9:16 PM Monday, a trudging line of solemnly shuffling figures could be seen snaking down to North Campus, participating in a timeless rite of post-prelim passage designed to cleanse the academic spirit. The lumbering group emitted a characteristic primal rumble of lamenting voices that could be heard for miles around as its…
JFK AIRPORT—Throughout the record-long government shutdown, air travelers have endured widespread flight delays and cancellations as airports across the country grapple with staffing shortages. Even so, thousands of TSA agents have worked tirelessly over the past month—without pay—to meet the Department of Homeland Security’s unrelenting groping quota. “It seemed inevitable that the shutdown was going…
Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
CRADIT FARM DRIVE—Since the start of the semester, students across campus have been terrorized by remorseless, bloodthirsty, and cruel individuals: E-Scooter riders. No roadway or path is safe from them. Last Thursday, Gloria Alvarado ‘28 was the latest victim. After a long day of being manhandled by chemistry homework, Alvarado was walking back to her…
COOK HOUSE—Last night, after an hour or so of tossing and turning, Noelle Keyes ‘28 got out of bed to turn the thermostat down, only to find that her roommate, ልጎጮቹቹ ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ ’28 of El Infierno, California, had set the temperature to a toasty 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Although she turned it down to a more…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Earlier this week, students in GOVT 1111: Introduction to American Government attempted to hear from a distinguished guest lecturer as he was drowned out by a Clif Bar wrapper. “I was starving,” explained James Deng ‘29, who skipped breakfast to get to class on time. Students reported a noisy rustling of papers as…
What do you mean? Stalking your crush through your club’s Instagram account is normal and healthy. Love requires sacrifice. That’s why, when I initially needed to find his Instagram, I went through the club account’s followers until I found the person I saw him eating with once through my binoculars. From there, it was pretty…
MORRISON DINING— Representatives of UN-Water, the coordination agency that manages global water accessibility, announced a new initiative on Monday to bring clean drinking water to Morrison Dining. “I’ve been parched for the past 45 goddamn minutes,” lamented UN representative Keefe Saunders, wandering around Morrison like a bumbling toddler trying to find a water dispenser. “They’re…
