RHODES HALL – With increasing likelihood that she will bomb her upcoming prelim, Shari Miller ’19, who has a perfectly clear, helpful, and approachable TA in Math 1110, is out of excuses for her inability to comprehend the material. “The problem is I simply can understand everything my TA says during discussion. It’s infuriating,” said…
In a move widely seen as “misleading” and “unfair” by students and faculty across the Cornell community, the administration announced Friday that Cornell’s Campus to Campus bus would not be adding a stop at the Cornell Medical School in Qatar. “If you’re going to call it a campus to campus bus,” Joe Armisen ‘14 noted,…
The Princeton review collegiate newspaper rankings recently redacted their placement of the Cornell Daily Sun as the number one collegiate news publication, instead replacing it with the critically acclaimed site ezrahub.com. Princeton review chairman William Tukling explained to CU Nooz, “We reviewed our numbers, and realized no one actually reads the Sun. Meanwhile, thousands of students…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Despite the rumors that the humanities are dead, faculty and students at Cornell firmly believe that they are, in fact, only sleeping. “It’s only natural that the humanities would need a break,” explained Art History Professor Nick Chen. “They mattered for thousands of years, and a discipline can’t go on mattering like that…
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing. “We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step…
Olin and Uris, a pair of twin freshmen in the Dyson School, were found to be blissfully unaware of their Cornell legacy. “People keep saying how cute it is that our parents named us after their alma mater, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t go here,” commented Uris, bending to pick a singular blade of…
A BED WITH A WHITE DUVET—God gives its toughest battles to its stwongest warriors, so obviously I’m like a war hero or something because I had to overcome quite the stwuggle last night. You see, usually Daddy and I waltz right on to Philbert, which is what we named our pwivate jet, but before we…
ITHACA- On today’s wintry November morning, Poppa Skorton rose at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and grim, ready to perform a deed he knew he wouldn’t soon forget. Today was the day pap Davie would take Red Rover out behind the Big Red Barn and bring the sweet creature’s suffering to an end. “I…
COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling. “I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a…
CORNELL HEALTH—A proud newly accepted class of 15 lucky Cornell students have been selected to fill all available appointment slots this semester. Cornell Health released statistics about their incoming class: “The average stab wound of an accepted patient came in at an impressive 12 inches long, most students filled out their forms in less than…
