COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our…
SAGE ATRIUM—When Walter Pinker ‘27 emerged from his consulting club coffee chat with Isabella Mendez ‘26, he didn’t want to be a Classics major anymore. In fact, he also did not want to be straight, Catholic, white, or Walter, adopting the temporary moniker “WaPi” (wha-pee, something “more exotic”) while he positions himself to be the…
BARNES HALL—Congratulations! You made it to the Ivy League! As a Cornell student, you get unlimited access to the finest resources the institution has to offer: world-class professors, cutting-edge research facilities, and a career services department that hasn’t worked on a résumé since the Bush administration. This last detail came as a surprise to unsuspecting…
IVES HALL—A veritable academic eclipse has sent the New York State School of Industrial and Labor Relations into chaos as two rare events have coincided: a university-sanctioned holiday, and ILR students submitting an assignment. ILRLRLRLR 1321: Introduction to Conflict Provocation students are speaking out against their ostensible subjugation: a problem set due Monday evening. “I’m…
FIRST DAM—Bucky Jeavers ‘25 was elated upon the hard launch of this academic year’s theme, “The Indispensable Condition: Freedom of Expression at Cornell”. Unfortunately, his excitement was short-lived as he soon faced public scrutiny for his expression of foaming at the mouth and hydrophobia. Preparing for the fall semester, Jeavers partook in a longstanding tradition…
COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon. “Some…
EDUCATION CITY, QATAR— Dear Cornell Community, Freedom of Expression is the foundation of academic understanding, breathing life into knowledge and inspiring impactful advocacy. Some may even say that Free Expression is indispensable. But here at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, we actually think it’s a little dispensable. To this end, I’m glad to announce our…
RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found…
COLLEGETOWN—Motorists and pedestrians alike were left apathetic today after an accident involving a Volkswagen Golf and one particularly patient freshman waiting for his chance to cross College Avenue. The license plate number of the vehicle responsible for the accident was traced to an apartment building 100 feet from the crosswalk in question. Its driver, Larry…
IVES HALL—Amid the aftermath of the administration’s decision to discontinue its contract with Starbucks, cheers cascaded through Ives Hall as labor organizers and union supporters alike celebrated the decision. Among the gleeful shouts, Jack Stowe’s cheers rang the loudest. “We did it!” exclaimed Stowe. “The credit for such an achievement goes out to the entire…
