ITHACA, NY- Following the cancellation of all Cornell classes prior to 10 a.m. due to the snowstorm, Hurricane Sandy was reportedly pretty hurt that Cornell didn’t even cancel any classes for her. “At my peak, I was a Category 3 hurricane with sustained winds of up to 129 mph. 129 mph! But I guess that’s…
Daniel Stone, a freshman planning to major in economics, reportedly missed his opportunity to enroll in Introductory Microeconomics for the Spring 2015 semester during freshman course enroll. As a result, Stone’s faculty advisor has informed him that he will never be able to earn his undergraduate degree. “I don’t understand how it happened,” said the…
ITHACA, NY – Student Faculty Chair Thomas Andersen announced yesterday that Cornell plans to expand its Net-Print service to include 3D printing by the end of next year. The plans have already been met with both praise and skepticism. As of press time, the futuristic printing service would cost $90 per cubic foot. “Cornell knows…
DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was. “I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it…
With a flourish, Target Employee of the Month Cathy Peterson proudly set a single gleaming menorah on a far back corner of the store. The Hanukkah section was ready for its big debut. A self-described spokesperson for the Jewish people, Smith dedicates herself to philanthropic pursuits such as these to honor the singular practicing Jew…
HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…
ARTS QUAD–“Wow! Isn’t she so beautiful?” says a salivating Fredirck Wiles ‘25 over Caroline Naderi ‘24, who has been assigned to be the face of the “ground-breaking, barrier-smashing, revolutionary club,” as she has just been granted permission to exit her storage closet.Engineering project teams across campus have been concerned about their ratio, and the Cornell…
THE COMMONS — Campus nerds Colleen Eiderman ’19 and Emily Mehta ’19, who forgot their fake ID’s at their apartment, attempted to use a Jedi Mind trick on the unsuspecting Moonies bouncer. “These are not the ID’s you’re looking for,” said the inebriated Eiderman, as she waved her hand across the bouncer’s face and Mehta…
MILSTEIN HALL—Armed with SPF 3000, aviator sunglasses, and obnoxiously large hats, hordes of brave architecture students took to the streets with the product of 6 weeks of even less human contact than had they been under quarantine. “It burns!!” Daniel Thomas ‘23 cried as he ran to take shelter from the sun’s unforgiving rays under…
STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with. “It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who…
