CU Nooz – Page 28

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….

Turkey Day Uh Oh! Ugly Cousin Hitting on You

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

JERICO, NY – You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the…

Class of 2018 to be 100% Diverse

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago03 mins

Over the weekend university officials in the Undergraduate Admissions Office and the Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives revealed their new method of admitting students to create a class that is “100% diverse”. The new admissions scheme, starting with the Class of 2018, aims to make the incoming student body exactly mirror the racial, geographic, and economic…

Wines Final Scheduled Directly Before Tightrope-Walking Final

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable. “I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else…

Student Writes Bio Paper in Second Person

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago01 mins

ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of…

Asian Student Asked If He Visited Wuhan Over Break

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of the novel coronavirus epidemic, classmates, friends, and other acquaintances of Bryan Pham ‘21 have all asked about his winter break travel plans. Specifically about his proximity to Wuhan, the capital city of the Hubei province of China and the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak. “I heard on twitter that the Chinese…

Classics Major? Professor Expects You to be Able to Read Roman Numerals

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

KLARMAN HALL — Many have said we are witnessing the fall of Classics, that there is no reason to continue learning about Greek, Latin, or any other aspect of classical antiquity. However, it is clear that professors are still enforcing the most burdensome part of the ancient studies: deciphering Roman numerals. Sitting in my so-called…

Student With Distant Memory of Overhearing Parents Say “We’re Proud Of Arson” Embarks On Epic Journey To Win Dad’s Love

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit…

“Does Your Mother Cry Because Her Daughter Is An Idiot?” Chem TA Compliments Curious Review Session Attendee

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago04 mins

BAKER LAB—Organic Chemistry TA Kristen Pletcher ‘23 bolstered the confidence of nervous students during a pre-final review session last Thursday with true Chem Department spirit. After Rachel Cobb ‘25 attempted to clarify her understanding of stereoisomers, Pletcher replied with a reassuring question of her own: “Did your parents find it hard to raise a child…

ATO Brothers and Alumni Plan to Haunt “Those GDI Nerds” Living in Their House Next Year

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago04 mins

ITHACA, NY – After the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity’s charter was revoked last June, the University has stated plans to make repairs to their old fraternity house at 625 University Ave. hoping to incorporate the property into the Alice Cook House community on West Campus. That is, unless ATO has got anything to say about…

SA President Busy Rehearsing Speech for Trustees to Ignore

Physics Professor Real Fuckin’ Excited to Derive Some Equations Today

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Lovelorn, Studious Freshman Returns to Same Mann Every Night

“College Rankings are Bullshit” Explains Insecure Student in Unsolicited Tirade

OP-ED: I Should’ve Checked My Friend Wasn’t Conservative Before Making Her Register to Vote

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Turkey Day Uh Oh! Ugly Cousin Hitting on You

Class of 2018 to be 100% Diverse

Wines Final Scheduled Directly Before Tightrope-Walking Final

Student Writes Bio Paper in Second Person

Asian Student Asked If He Visited Wuhan Over Break

Classics Major? Professor Expects You to be Able to Read Roman Numerals

Student With Distant Memory of Overhearing Parents Say “We’re Proud Of Arson” Embarks On Epic Journey To Win Dad’s Love

“Does Your Mother Cry Because Her Daughter Is An Idiot?” Chem TA Compliments Curious Review Session Attendee

ATO Brothers and Alumni Plan to Haunt “Those GDI Nerds” Living in Their House Next Year