ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing…
HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory:…
ARTS QUAD–WAHOO! It’s 75 degrees and sunny in Ithaca which means it’s time to lather on that sunscreen, blast those summer tunes, and proceed to the library as normal. There are prelims tomorrow. “It’s gonna be so SICK dude!” exclaimed Thomas Roland ‘24. “First I’m going to walk to Olin as slowly as possible. I…
URIS HALL–Students enrolled in SOC 3105: Interspecies Dialogue were left in awe as their instructor, Professor Michael Piccolino, demonstrated his amazing ability to navigate mazes utilizing only his peculiar sense of smell. Piccolino’s jaw-dropping display was designed to illustrate the importance of learning from mistakes during the problem-solving process. The demonstration called for student volunteers…
It is often said that success at Cornell is nothing short of a heroic feat. It takes brave, strong, and savvy students—truly exceptional students, not the ones who merely think they have those qualities and join ROTC—to navigate the university’s harrowing challenges. This semester, I have confronted the school’s mythical academic rigor head-on as I…
Mamma mia! Just as the Koopa Bowser always rises again to kidnap the innocent Princess Peach, so too does the dragon il racisme return to menace society’s most undeserving victims–the proud peopleof Italy. Like the volcanic ash settling on Pompeii, I have seen my hopes and dreams smothered under a dark cloud of anti-Italian bias….
CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night. “This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on…
WARREN HALL— For Slope Day 2023, the Slope Day Planning Board has rocked the student body with their selection of the world-renowned trio of Chase, Ryan, and Joe from Tennessee. Although the star-studded booking was the result of a nationwide talent search that captured the attention of the undergraduate population, not everyone is with the…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
