Study: 76% of ILR Students Cite Doreen Cronin’s Seminal Pro-Labor Manifesto “Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type” as Strong Political Influence

IVES HALL—New research has confirmed that the vast majority of ILR students were drawn to their major due in part to the political ideology presented in Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type, Doreen Cronin’s 2000 commentary on labor relations in the American heartland. “Click, Clack, Moo completely revolutionized my life when I first read it…

Read More

“Ouchie Wouchie” IFC Still Reeling After Slap On The Wrist

UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red…

Read More

You Don’t Know How to Spell Hanukkah?” Says Jewish Friend Who Does Not Know How to Spell Chanukah

HIGH RISE 5-     During a holiday card writing party, Freshman Charity Parker engaged in what Jewish friends are calling the greatest display of ignorance since some idiot thought that a clearly 8-night bottle of oil would only last for one night. Sources say that as Charity jotted down heartfelt well-wishes to her religiously…

Read More

Fuck!!! My Ourbus Got Canceled And I Have One Less Vacation Day In Oshkosh, Nebraska!

WEST CAMPUS— After a grueling season of final exams and projects, students were forced to stay in Ithaca one day longer than they would have otherwise, cutting into their exciting winter vacation plans. “Do you know how fucking excited I was for break?” James Allen ‘24 asked incredulously. “If Mother Nature wasn’t intent on shitting…

Read More

Sick Loser Haters at CAPS Say “Mad Senioritis” Actually Clinical Depression

CORNELL HEALTH–Noah Barnum ‘23 was left shocked after chronically swagless therapists at CAPS misdiagnosed him with a major psychological disorder instead of a “baller lifestyle.” “Yeah, I’ve been having some motivation problems lately, but who hasn’t?” said Barnum, while curled around a pile of dirty laundry on crumb-covered sheets at 4 pm. “Sure, I haven’t…

Read More