WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird. “There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but absolutely no discussion of all…
TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week. “I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year…
ITHACA, NY- Students enrolled in ECON 1110 were found to be very distraught today after the professor of the class decided to assign a fucking ridiculous homework assignment that’s due next week. According to Ryan Weems ’17, the assignment is “absolutely insane,” “unbelievable,” and “just like, bullshit.” “The professor knows that this class isn’t my…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — The Cornell Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life recently revised the Campus Code of Conduct allowing for acts of hazing when it’s, like, a tradition, you know? “We want to be completely clear about our zero-tolerance policy for hazing in Cornell fraternities, sororities, and other student groups,” said Travis Apgar, Senior…
UPSON HALL—In a brazen display of ignorance and disrespect for different cultures, electrical engineering student Paula Roberson ‘24 wore overalls to class Thursday despite having no affiliation with the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. “To so clearly copy the customs of another college, while making no acknowledgement of the deep personal and spiritual meanings…
ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday. Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many…
ENGINEERING QUADRANGLE—To celebrate the construction of the third computer science building, Cornell administration officially changed its motto from the inclusive “Any Person, Any Study” to the more accurate “Any Person, Computer Science.” Administrators claim that this better captures the current student body’s preferences. “We’re not stopping here,” said a spokesperson for the administration, detailing plans…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — The departure of Will Toddson ‘20 from his otherwise all-female FGSS 1101 class was met with excitement; during the first few minutes without him, the girls were finally free to remove their clothes and have a long, sexy pillow fight. “I mean, we’ll miss having a rational and logical mind to…
APPEL DINING HALL — Finishing up the best part of their balanced breakfast, hundreds of dining hall patrons this morning said their hearty bowls of Marshmallow Mateys were “marvelously scrumptious!” and that they were going goo-ga for Coco Roos. “Some people just don’t get why kids like the sweet flavor of Cinnamon Toasters,” said Arthur…
TEMPLE OF ZEUS—In the final hours of Perfect Match’s survey opening, one member of the Class of 2023 decided to try their luck at a college romance three months before leaving Ithaca for good. “Look, I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating department here at Cornell, okay?” asked Ron Kringle ‘23. “I…
