ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen. According to our source, the training of these equine…
There are two things in this world I love: drinking a nice pint of Guinness and giving the bird to the Republic of Ireland. So, when a friend of mine informed me that every time I slam back a brewski in a plastic four-leaf clover glass today I am disrespecting Irish culture, I did a…
ITHACA, NY – In an action that has confused friends and family alike, Student Assembly vice president Sarah Balik has begun reasoning all of her thoughts out loud, often employing obscure metaphors. “The thing about swine is that they always seem to love the muck they live in. Why wouldn’t they? It’s all they know….
DUFFIELD HALL–In what sources are describing as “the practical joke of the century,” Sam Powers ‘23 has discovered the military industrial complex during the last semester of his engineering degree. “Oh man, they got me good,” said a chuckling Powers. “I spent years eating 3 a.m. Duffield vending machine brinners because I thought my skills…
DONLON HALL—Rebecca Tinsley ‘24 knew things weren’t going to work out the moment she moved into her second floor Donlan double and saw her roommate had already hung a Pulp Fiction poster that would continue to haunt Tinsley throughout the semester. “I walk in, and there she is, just smoking a cigarette, though my second…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—As students adjust to their first few weeks of classes, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have begun their annual recruitment cycles, preparing publicity drives and ClubFest displays designed to attract the school’s best and brightest. While all of these organizations are eager to meet their new members, perhaps none are more enthusiastic than Cornell’s business fraternities,…
FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor said of the 20 year…
ITHACA, NY – Campus is abuzz today with the outrageous news of this year’s slope day artist. “This is simply preposterous!” stated flabbergasted Junior Emily Smalls, “Him? For Slope Day? Well I never!” The nonsensical decision has befuddled the majority of campus, who were simply confounded by the choice of performer. Upon hearing the news,…
WHITE PLAINS, N.Y.—Reporting that she “just couldn’t help herself,” local aunt Shelby Gallagher put marshmallows in her sweet potato casserole this Thanksgiving. Gallagher, known to her family as the “fun aunt,” retains this title through similar antics, like bringing pumpkin spice-flavored whipped cream to dinner last year. “It’s not every day you get the chance…
THE CORNELL STORE—After a few days of privately journaling, Meyer Cliffson ‘27 decided that his biweekly contributions to the Opinion column in the Cornell Daily Sun were no longer necessary to subside his moral insecurities. This unexpected choice was made following his first therapy consultation, in which the therapist immediately provided Cliffson with an extensive…
