RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week. “What we’re seeing…
DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation. “Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and patient smile. “Someday, they will…
COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that…
MORRISON HALL — Administrators in the Department of Animal Science have officially announced that ANSC 3240: Introduction to Hog Wranglin’ will be offered to CALS students as part of the 2015 Fall curriculum. The course will expose undergraduates to the intricacies of a good ol’ fashioned swine tussle while emphasizing the core principles of the…
STOCKING HALL—First-year Cornell dairy cow Clover was absent at today’s Dairy Day festivities after passing out during the pregame. “It’s not uncommon for some cattle get blackout before Dairy Day actually starts, but I could usually corral them down from the Dairy Unit as long as they were still upright,” said dairy science major Chuck…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to ensure the well-being of the more than 20,000 students who study, work, and live in Ithaca. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides towards improving the student experience; from somewhat reducing the amount of asbestos in a few buildings to making…
COLLEGETOWN- A roving pack of freshmen numbering somewhere between 15 and 25 was reported around the Collegetown area last night terrorizing parties. Residents are advised to take precautions against the feral creatures, says CUPD representative Trisha Brenning. “Around this time of year, these packs of young adults can easily form when one of them decides…
TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week. “I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year…
EDDY STREET — At this year’s Parent’s Weekend, total Frat bro icon Ronald Hernandez ‘90 spent his days overshadowing his painfully less-cool son. “The brothers at his old house really seemed to like him,” said son Richie Hernandez ‘ 23. “They invited him back up in two weeks for their big fall party. And honestly,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind. “We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched…
