TEMPLE OF ZEUS—After airballing an easy shot at one of the marble benches, Junior Varsity Zeus Patron Luka D’Angelo ‘28 was once again relegated to the bench.
“Fuck, dude,” grumbled the frustrated freshman, parting a curtain of his bustling competitors to stalk off the court. Having reached his familiar haunt—a particularly uncomfortable wooden bench in front of the bathrooms—he buried his head in his hands. “I’m off my game today.”
Luka D’Angelo began his athletic career in high school, making a name for himself as a table hunter in the 10th grade center cafeteria of his alma mater, North Shore Senior High School in Houston, Texas. “I always knew I had a talent for snagging the best tables,” D’Angelo reminisced. “When my career picked up, I stopped making reservations at restaurants. I just trusted that the right table would open up when I walked in.”
However, after he was unexpectedly traded to Cornell’s table-claiming team, Luka struggled to adapt to the intensity on the court at Temple of Zeus. “This is a whole different ball game,” explained a shaken D’Angelo. “I walk circles around the atrium for ten minutes without a single table opening up. I’ve only been here a week—I haven’t had time to make one of those friends with a giant cashmere overcoat and a double major in Classics & Sociology who’ll laugh, stand up, give me a little hug and offer me a seat when they see me wandering around the outskirts of the room like a poor lost lamb. I’m playing solo, and this place is eating me alive.”
D’Angelo worries that if he keeps riding the bench, he might lose his shot at the college circuit. However, he remains hopeful that he can adapt to Zeus’s competitive climate and someday climb the ranks to the Varsity team. “My game’s still improving! I even swung one of those black leather chairs yesterday!” blurted the hopeful athlete. Unfortunately, in such an unforgiving environment, this is rarely enough to make the cut.
At press time, Luka was spotted massaging the painful imprint of wooden slats out of his sore buttocks.
