During a session last Wednesday, Cornell’s Faculty Senate debated over holding a vote of no confidence in the university’s administration. Throughout the lengthy discussion, however, President Michael Kotlikoff found it extremely difficult to focus on the arguments of the senate members; he had something much more pressing, even explosive, on his mind.
Perhaps it was the extra-stuffed black bean burrito he had eaten for lunch, or the fact that he’d gulped down a delicious milkshake despite his lactose intolerance. Ironically, he was only now reaping what he’d sowed.
Senate members in favor of Kotlikoff’s resignation condemned the administration’s “cruel passivity” in response to the handling of the 2024 Jane Doe case. “The only cruel thing is that the nearest bathroom’s all the way down the hall,” Kotlikoff mumbled under his labored breathing, trying his absolute best to clench his sphincter. As one faculty member made a motion to take a vote, the only motion Kotlikoff could think about was his bowel movements.
As the session reached its two-hour mark, faculty members observed Kotlikoff, clearly visibly distressed, waddle awkwardly to the chamber’s exit and disappear for nearly 30 minutes. When he returned, he was much more attentive.
More debate around the vote of no confidence is scheduled for later in the month. The agenda for next session, however, has been amended to include a vote on mandatory bathroom breaks.
