URIS HALL—When Tommi Phisinger ‘28 sought digestive relief in the second floor Uris Hall bathroom between lectures, she came to a disturbing realization.
“I went to grab the toilet paper after I completed my business. You know, as one does,” Phisinger confided. “I was disgusted to realize that the toilet paper was so thin, I could see my hand through the paper with astonishing detail. It was almost like looking through a piece of glass.”
Concerned, she reached out to the Facilities Management Department. They responded almost instantly, though their message did little to ease her distress. “We acknowledge that the thickness of our toilet paper may be worrisome to some patrons,” read the email from Sammy Pitts, Head of Facilities. “Rest assured we are doing our best to make the paper thinner to ensure proper drainage in our Victorian-era pipes. Our interns currently work every night to split the 1-ply paper into special, off-market 0.5-ply.”
The email went on to boast about a recent technological breakthrough made by the Uris Hall Facilities team. “No longer satisfied with a measly half-ply? We are proud to announce our new 0-ply toilet paper. Made of compressed sheets of air, it is cloud-soft, completely biodegradable, and ultra-thin. It will feel like wiping with no toilet paper at all!”
When questioned if using a bidet would be more effective, the Facilities Management Department was horrified. “We would never utilize the bidet in our facilities. Those are expensive, and we need that funding for our cutting-edge research on neutrino-based ply.”
