STEWART AVE—The residents of 522 Stewart Ave were faced with an unprecedented predicament this morning after their night out, which began quite typically, ended with their acquisition of 26 year Duke Construction Company veteran Stanley Jurgis. While the group has plundered other objects in the past, their theft of a fellow human being is a…
Between the new Gates Hall and the goal of Klarman Hall behind Goldwin Smith, University contractors have been busy with construction for the past few months. And after an ambitious announcement made this past Friday, they have a whole lot more to look forward to. University officials have drawn up a new plan for campus…
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…
EDDY STREET—There is little more sacred and unchanging in this world than the duty of a new Fraternity Pledge to clean up after a party. Unfortunately for Hayden Mendoza ‘27, his fraternity decided to end the year with a “tropical-themed” bash. As soon as the stumbling mass of Hawaiian shirts faded into the distance, Mendoza…
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to 16 undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major. “Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw…
SAN DIEGO—During their 9:05 lecture this Wednesday, classmates of Elle Sou ‘23 noticed their peer was looking suspiciously attractive and put together. “Like, it’s 6am her time, and she’s wearing a sweater, not even a sweatshirt, will a full face beat? For financial accounting? I mean, you go girl, and do whatever you want with…
FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
DAY HALL—Cornell’s Presidential Task Force on Institutional Voice issued its final recommendations for the University on February 5. Formed in March of last year, the Task Force aimed to codify expectations for the University’s official response to political issues.
