MALOTT HALL — Everyone seems to think Professor Strogatz teaches differential equations phenomenally, so someone please tell me why I’ve spent the last three hours trying to convert two fifths into decimal format? I’m convinced Strogatz doesn’t even have the proper credentials to teach at an institution like Cornell. He boasted about how he learned…
GANNETT — A serious hardship for Cornell students is the steep hike up Libe Slope from West Campus, which often results in fatigue, soreness and loss of legs. Cornell Student Health Services has announced plans to open facilities at the summit of Libe Slope for the express purpose of re-attaching limbs that may have fallen…
KLARMAN HALL—Wow, I just put down your 800-word Op-Ed and I can’t help but feel changed. What a read! Who knew your childhood love of orange umbrellas could tell us so much about the heroin epidemic in Ithaca? Now I know, thanks to your Op-Ed. And what you said about politics—enlightening! It was so brave…
ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system. “We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a…
LIBE CAFE—The University’s switch from Starbucks to La Colombe this semester was seen as a resounding success for the local labor movement, and a devastating defeat for any fucking idiot with English as their first language. One such dumbass, Tom Hall ‘27, is having an especially difficult time nailing down the new cafe’s pronunciation. “I…
TOMPKINS COUNTY GUN CLUB – A recent examination of the student course catalog revealed that pretty much anyone can enroll in PE 1515 “Intro to Handgun Safety,” exploiting a dangerous loophole in New York firearm regulations that practically no one is concerned about. “New York State Law requires that all students taking the course must…
LIBE CAFE— Desperate to reach more voters last-minute to clinch the SA Election this semester, Larold McLandham ’21 cheerfully approached a couple breaking up over coffee at Libe. “Hi, how are you folks doing today?” The oblivious candidate chirped, beaming his most charming smile on the future ex-couple’s distraught faces. “Would you two like to…
LOW RISE 7 – Following weeks of talking online and getting acquainted with one another, Taylor O’Connell ’19 expressed her excitement today as she prepared to see her new architect roommate in person for the last time. “I can’t wait for Chelsea [Kapp ‘19] to get here so that I can finally talk to her…
COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night. “We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking…
COURT HALL — Stating earlier today that he “went to prep school,” freshman prep school kid Davison Williams has repeated that he went to a prep school. “I attended a private boy’s academy in Connecticut, along with His Excellency The Prince of Kuwait, or have I already mentioned that?” asked Williams, taking every opportunity in…
