OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset. “After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92….
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WEILL HALL – After months of careful research, undergraduate research assistant Elizabeth Wooding ‘19 confirmed that Biomedical Engineering Professor Anthony Watkins’ preferred flavor of coffee is mocha. “I think we’re going to publish soon,” said Wooding cheerfully following the last bit of data gathered from her many tireless trips back and forth between Starbucks and…
CARPENTER LIBRARY—After reports of several 19-year-olds becoming hyperconscious at a party this past weekend, dozens of members of the Geek Life community at Cornell were busted for underage thinking. “Cornell police responded to several students acting illegally under the inference of human mortality,” said a representative of the Interfranerdity Council, adding participants in the geek…
KENNEDY HALL — After failing to find any of his friends in the Trillium food court, Junior Biology Major Anthony Demsas announced plans to sit directly next to you today during lunch, despite the numerous available seats located at any other table. “Do you mind if I sit here, right next to you?” asked Demsas,…
CAYUGA LAKE — Founded on the desire of Ezra Cornell for all Cornellians to be able to swim, the university has made preparations to push all of the graduating seniors into Cayuga Lake as a final swim test on May 29th. “We understand that Cornell requires all students to take a swim test in an…
LIBE SLOPE — Calling upon three years of hardened experience in the field, Senior Liam McKlevern spent the afternoon burying a bottle of sunscreen in the slope in preparation for Slope Day. “Most novices think they can just hit the slope with a single layer of SPF 35,” reported McKlevern, leaning up against his shovel….
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A new study has concluded that the only thing keeping most Cornell students going each day is getting a small bag of free popcorn from Willard Straight Hall. “Our research indicates that without the prospect of shuffling over to Willard Straight Hall to eat a fist-sized bag of popcorn, 54% of Cornell students…
NORTH CAMPUS — Eager to begin her tenure as Cornell’s 13th president, Elizabeth Garrett finally moved into her single in Balch Hall this past week. “It’s such a nice room” said Garrett as she tacked up photos of her family’s dog on her cork board. “I have my own sink and a great view of…
BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts. “Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I don’t normally think anything of…
