TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking…
DAY HALL—Cornell Health and the university registrar have released a joint statement declaring that due to gross violations of the policy requiring mandatory weekly tests for the 2019 novel coronavirus dubbed SARS-CoV-2, your enrollment at Cornell has been terminated, effective immediately. “The battle against Covid-19 requires buy-in from the whole community, so it is disappointing…
LYNAH RINK—Following the Men’s Hockey team’s invigorating win against Harvard last week, the team is now ranked #6 in the NCAA, while the #7 Women’s Hockey team trains players who may move on to the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. “It was a great game last week, right?” said Men’s Hockey player Dave Molowski ‘18. “Hearing…
BOATYARD GRILL – Looking like highly sophisticated and fully functioning members of society, attendees of Rho Upsilon Tau’s annual fall formal felt no lack of dignity despite several hours of behaving like trash and getting fucked up at a very nice venue. “It’s really great to enjoy a classy event with everyone dressed up so spiffy…
DAY HALL—In a conference with worried parents on Monday, Cornell administration outlined the steps it is taking to ensure that campus protests do not endanger the student body. To ease concerns, Vice President Ryan Lombardi rolled out a new set of provisions under the Interim Expressive Activity Policy aimed at making campus safer. “We value…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Cornell’s forefront researchers have vowed to confront a puzzle that has flummoxed scientists for generations: whether frat guys look like frat guys because they’re in a frat, or if frat guys are in a frat because they look like frat guys. “For decades, the world’s top human ecologists have looked at the…
USA—Reports and online activity from across the country indicate that citizens are far too fucking zoinked to go outside at the moment. “It’s just that the outside world is super scary right now,” said Brent Rant ‘22, who is currently fried inside his Bend, Oregon home. “For example, my neighbor could notice how totally stoned…
ENGINEERING QUADRANGLE—To celebrate the construction of the third computer science building, Cornell administration officially changed its motto from the inclusive “Any Person, Any Study” to the more accurate “Any Person, Computer Science.” Administrators claim that this better captures the current student body’s preferences. “We’re not stopping here,” said a spokesperson for the administration, detailing plans…
ONCE UPON A TIME—There was a little freshman in a little red hoodie, and so the student body called her Little Red Riding Hoodie. Little Red Riding Hoodie ‘29 was returning from her evening chem lab when she got a Crime Alert warning her to look out for a big, bad coyote. She did not…
CALL AUDITORIUM—Steve Forbes, Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine, is expected to impart a previously unreleased Forbes Quote of the Day on the audience at his Wednesday speech on Cornell’s campus. “I always love seeing inspirational quotes from figures such as Mark Zuckerberg and Whoopi Goldberg while I wait to read the article I clicked on,” said…
