After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer. “Cornell Convocation 2017! Get ready to…
ARTS QUAD — Completely overshadowing the rhetoric and emotion of today’s ceremony, the feminist overtones of President Elizabeth Garrett’s administration stole the stage at the historic inauguration ceremony Friday morning. “I worked on my speech for days, but I think what people were most enamored by was that I’m the first Cornell President to wear…
CARPENTER HALL—For the first time in my entire college career, I have walked away from office hours with absolutely nothing to show for it. Never in my life have I felt more betrayed. Did the TA really think I dragged my ass across campus in 8-degree weather on a Friday night, when I could’ve been…
A generous donation from Ann S. Bowers ‘59 has allowed Cornell’s College of Computing and Information Science to embark on an ambitious multi-year project aimed at finally helping its 2,000 students reach second base. “As CIS grows in scope and scale, we seek to prioritize the needs of students in our strategic development, which is…
CARL BECKER HOUSE, URIS HALL, COLLEGETOWN, ETC—After the closure of the Cornell University Borehole Observatory project, the university’s eminent geology, energy and sustainability researchers sat down to analyze their data and determine Cornell’s optimal course to achieve the Climate Action Plan’s goal of carbon neutrality by 2035. Unfortunately for climate scientists and pedestrians alike, a…
DAY HALL- Thanks to the actions of investigative journalists at Project Veritas, the Cornell community was shocked and appalled to learn Wednesday that the University strongly supports the actions of ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. “Yeah, that would be okay,” said Assistant Dean of Students Joe Scaffido, probably in response to a…
DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was. “I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it…
DAY HALL — As President Skorton cleans out his office to make way for Elizabeth Garrett’s arrival on July 1st, the illustrious faculty of his administration are being packed up and shipped out. Some administrators will go in storage, others will be sent to Skorton’s new office at the Smithsonian. While bundling up the various…
URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique. “I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I saw the things he was…
BECKER HALL—A West Campus dining hall has made headlines again this week after a new report emerged about employee conduct. The information, which is purely anecdotal, was collected and reported by Thomas Berg, ‘25 who lives in Becker South on West Campus. “I was walking back from Noyes the other night, took a different path…
