LYNAH RINK—During last Sunday’s ECAC Women’s Hockey Championship, dedicated Cornell hockey fan Dylan Holmes ‘20 was utterly bewildered as to why the Lynah Rink parking garage was full despite there not being a single men’s hockey game scheduled. “It was crazy. Maybe there was a baseball tournament or something? I know the hockey playoff is…
WILLARD-STRAIGHT HALL – Denice Cassaro lay awake all night haunted by the specter of a bored student who, in the absence of any fun events on campus, just went to bed early. “I’ve worked so hard to make sure that students are aware of the fun, engaging community events happening around them at all times…
If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there. If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed! The most important thing to…
URIS HALL—After years of silence, biology student Jada Stanley ‘27 has come forward with shocking allegations about her lab’s research. “I just needed a few samples of the Epstein-Barr virus for a test I was running,” said Stanley. “When I put in my request, my bosses started acting strange. They wouldn’t give them to me….
NORTHEAST ITHACA—With the arrival of October, the Homecoming festivities have finally come to a close at Cornell University. However, one eager student with cash to blow has not gotten the message. “Did you know that I had the blessed chance to see once-in-a-lifetime music revolutionary Steve Aoki at the ZBT house?” asked sophomore transfer Jackson…
MILSTEIN HALL—Milstein Hall has become a popular spot for Cornell’s skateboarding community of roughly 100 people who own a skateboard and about 6 or 7 skateboarders. Tuesday evening, one member of the former group took the sidewalk to get in some practice. “I hope no one saw that,” said Max Rodriguez ‘27, whose skateboard broke…
To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month. “We wanted to make…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Students in Polynesian Practical Politics were sent ducking for cover amidst Professor Paul Peter’s lecture on the Preparedness of Polynesian Professional Politicians. Professor Peter, who is best known for his over-the-top alliteration and his tendency to practically swallow the microphone every class, had students particularly concerned in this lecture. “The front row is…
JANSEN’S MARKET — Onlookers in Noyes came to the conclusion earlier this afternoon that the entire cheesecake staring at them from the lonely refrigerated display wasn’t going to eat itself after all. “One thing’s for certain: that scrumptious-looking dessert has no capacity for autophagy and no one else in this line has the guts to…
NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me…
