THE CORNELL CLUB OF NEW YORK— Following the Student Assembly’s decision to storm the National Archives and scribble smiley faces all over the Bill of Rights, alumni have begun to lament the death of the Cornell they once knew. “Ah, how I miss the good old days!” exclaimed Charles Olin ‘58 as he paused his…
DONLON HALL — The entirety of Cornell University experienced a power outage earlier this afternoon, a campus-wide problem that has now been attributed to freshman Johnny Ribb ’19 using a spider lamp in his Donlon single dorm room. “See? I told you! I told you spider lamps were dangerous!” announced Donlon third floor RA Ryan…
ITHACA- In a study put out by Gannett Health Services, it was discovered that at least 95% of all free condoms given out in their main lobby are used by students to try to impress their friends. “I think I’ll just grab two for now, that should be fine for the next week or so”…
TOMPKINS COUNTY GUN CLUB – A recent examination of the student course catalog revealed that pretty much anyone can enroll in PE 1515 “Intro to Handgun Safety,” exploiting a dangerous loophole in New York firearm regulations that practically no one is concerned about. “New York State Law requires that all students taking the course must…
ARTS QUAD–“Wow! Isn’t she so beautiful?” says a salivating Fredirck Wiles ‘25 over Caroline Naderi ‘24, who has been assigned to be the face of the “ground-breaking, barrier-smashing, revolutionary club,” as she has just been granted permission to exit her storage closet.Engineering project teams across campus have been concerned about their ratio, and the Cornell…
In a story akin to classic Hans Christian Andersen folklore, Mayor Svante Myrick reportedly began his week by strolling nude throughout the streets of Ithaca. Myrick was promptly arrested for indecent exposure and disorderly conduct. “I just figured no one would be around over break. I thought everyone went home for vacation.” said Myrick. At…
LYNAH RINK—Following the Men’s Hockey team’s invigorating win against Harvard last week, the team is now ranked #6 in the NCAA, while the #7 Women’s Hockey team trains players who may move on to the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. “It was a great game last week, right?” said Men’s Hockey player Dave Molowski ‘18. “Hearing…
After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities. By employing mathematical models and indexes including…
ITHACA- Reports indicate that since reading the headline of this article, “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters,” the Cornell alma mater, has been stuck in your head. It is being noted that at this very moment, you are reciting the line “With its waves of blue” in your mind, while softly humming the tune out loud. Further reports…
ITHACA– Reports are surfacing that on Sunday morning, current freshman Eric Holt woke up to find himself sleeping on a couch in his dorm’s lounge rather than in his bed. Within a few seconds of waking up, Holt remembered why: he had been sexiled, or sexually exiled, by his pre-frosh guest, Jonny Dixon. The…
