NORTH CAMPUS—In a bewildering display of competency on its construction sites, Cornell’s very own incomprehensible labyrinth has begun to take shape in the center of North Campus. While the creation of the impossible structure has been detrimental to student’s sleep schedules, with some freshmen complaining of ominous chanting and bulldozer noises at three in the…
WARREN HALL—Dyson student and absolute shithead Peter Hendrik ‘24, known to fellow students in AEM 1056 as “the Guy who’s really unfucking funny”, was quick to express his enjoyment of Elon Musk’s turn as host of the past weekend’s Saturday Night Live during the class’s penultimate Zoom lecture this Monday. “Holy shit guys. I had…
COLLEGETOWN—According to underclassmen members of the Cornell Water Polo team, president Brian Mach ’21 has “totally checked the fuck out” and is in “major ghost mode” as he approaches graduation and the end of his four long years at Cornell. Members began to complain to each other following a practice wherein Mach led drills while…
LIBE SLOPE—While most students are eager to see basketball and DJ Shaquille O’Neal perform as part of this year’s virtual Slope Day celebration, one individual is not. Fraternity brother Devin Jennings ‘22, who has long misreported his height to potential hookups, was reportedly miffed that Cornell had invited the famously tall Shaq to perform at…
ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries. “I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without grandparents dropping like flies and…
I have a take that is probably hotter than a damn quasar, but you will never see it published in the Daily Sun Opinion section. While my piece would definitely scorch Guest Room like the Notre Dame Cathedral, I feel like my earth-shattering letter would just get lost in the shuffle of entirely unfounded, trigger-happy…
Cornell University has forever changed my life. Not for the reasons one might think — the networking connections, the classes, the harrowing cover-up of a manslaughter following a frisbee golf game gone wrong. No, rather by revealing the secret behind Willard Straight Hall. The fateful day I learned this secret began mundanely. I was strutting…
ITHACA—All appeared well for medieval history major Elliot Peters ‘23 as he engaged in the initial small-talk over Tinder to his latest match, high on the satisfaction of their incredible conversation, the type of conversation that Peters found a rarity on the app. Or so he thought. Peters’ evening went downhill faster than a loose…
In a targeted attack to ruin my life, absolute shitstain Roger Wilhelm ‘22 continues to be successful at literally everything, while I can’t even tie my shoelaces without them coming undone five steps later. Roger recently announced his internship at Doctors Without Borders, which he only got because his roommate’s aunt’s tennis partner-in-law worked there…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The candidates for Cornell Student Assembly President were confused at this past week’s debate when they received a question from the moderators on whether they approved or disapproved of the American military’s withdrawal from Afghanistan. “By withdrawal, you mean like, from their bank account?” Tyler Devins ‘22 responded, with a look of utter…
