NEW ROCHELLE — With the new school year only weeks away, reports indicate that hundreds of incoming Cornell freshmen have still not read their summer reading assignment, “Slaughterhouse Five,” and have begun desperately searching online for the movie version of the novel instead. “I want to be on top of my academics this upcoming school…
EAST AVENUE – A huge traffic jam developed yesterday after four freshmen began to walk side by side down the side walk, eventually resulting in a dramatic collision of several pedestrians and a cyclist. “It was carnage,” one bystander reported, “the entire street slowed down, and the next thing I knew there were bodies everywhere.”…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Last week, the Student Assembly (allegedly called the ‘Student Governance Assembly’) debated a resolution that could completely upend the relationship the organization has with Cornell’s leadership and student body. Resolution 22, “Making Student Assembly competent,” was extensively debated at an Assembly meeting last week. It includes such clauses as “Assembly members must read…
BARTON HALL—Setting himself apart from other candidates at Career Fair, David Lansing ‘21 decided to include an outstanding expected GPA in his résumé. “I got the idea from my high school guidance counselor,” said the excited freshman while waiting in line to speak with Google representatives. “She basically told me that anyone who’s serious about…
ITHACA- All members of the Cornell University community went about their usual routines this past Saturday through Tuesday, completely unaware of the February Break scheduled into the academic calendar for those days. Cornellians lost out on a chance to do fun things instead of their usual, monotonously intolerable, stressful schedules. “It’s been a pretty standard…
ITHACA, NY – With the Cornell-mandated fraternity initiation deadline fast approaching, university liaison Travis Apgar announced that associate members would now be entering the unofficial “Don’t You Fucking Tell Anyone” period of the pledging process. “It feels good to leave behind our antiquated system of spending 8 weeks openly combating hazing so that we can…
MORRISON DINING— Representatives of UN-Water, the coordination agency that manages global water accessibility, announced a new initiative on Monday to bring clean drinking water to Morrison Dining. “I’ve been parched for the past 45 goddamn minutes,” lamented UN representative Keefe Saunders, wandering around Morrison like a bumbling toddler trying to find a water dispenser. “They’re…
ITHACA, NY – Fifty fun-loving Cornell students took a break from classes last Thursday to hold a festive block party on East Avenue and Tower Road, likely in celebration of another successful year of studying. “We believe that shared governance at Cornell is extremely important,” stated one wacky partier, her eyes brimming with laughter. “Students…
Seeking to fill a void in science requirements, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is now offering a class on plants. The class was created after several complaints concerning the difficulty of current science requirements. Classes like Bugs and Rocks were apparently “too difficult for most of the Communication and AEM majors taking them”…
BECKER HALL – Half an hour after putting away all of his clothes and saying goodbye to his parents, Kent Shanahan ’18 reportedly pulled his guitar out and just started jamming outside of his room, assuming it to be the coolest activity he could think of. “I used to play clarinet, but then I realized…
