KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium. “I was just leaving my 10:10 Biochemistry class, when…
URIS HALL — In a recent study from the Cornell Psychology department, the vast majority of university students are found to be most productive during lectures when they are doing homework for other classes. “The data suggest that, instead of paying attention to philosophy or economics professors, a student’s time during rambling seminars is much…
ITHACA—The stars have once again aligned for young lovers Thomas “Tom” Wayman ‘22 and Stephanie French ‘22. This February 14th, in addition to Valentine’s Day, the couple will also celebrate their 23rd consecutive day together. “When the universe aligns like this, it just shows that Stephanie and I are meant to be,” boasted Wayman. “She’s…
CORNELL HEALTH–Noah Barnum ‘23 was left shocked after chronically swagless therapists at CAPS misdiagnosed him with a major psychological disorder instead of a “baller lifestyle.” “Yeah, I’ve been having some motivation problems lately, but who hasn’t?” said Barnum, while curled around a pile of dirty laundry on crumb-covered sheets at 4 pm. “Sure, I haven’t…
BARTON HALL – Audience members of yesterday’s Modest Mouse show say it was one of the best performances they had ever seen, as the band played their hit song “Float On” for the entire two hour concert. “I’m a massive fan of Modest Mouse. I’ve probably played ‘Float On’ about one-hundred times on my ipod”…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line. “The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time…
ITHACA, NY – Last night, four residents of Donlon Hall received a JA due to their participation in some good old-fashioned fun. At 11:30 PM, the student’s residential advisor heard what sounded like a shindig, rumpus, or a jamboree coming from down the hall, and immediately contacted the CUPD. Police records confirm that upon arriving…
As a write r and loyal Corne ll st udent , I a pplau d the admin istra tion’ s com mitme nt to free expre ssion . The presi dent’ s fig ht fo r fre e spe ech i s imp ortan t and brave . “Fr eedom of Ex press ion” truly…
OLIN LIBRARY — In what witnesses are calling a true miracle, it has been confirmed that Ethan Gold’s iPhone battery managed to last eight days straight while he was studying in Olin library for his final exams. “I was shocked by how long the battery lasted,” Gold recounted. “Going into the first day of finals…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programing Board announced Galantis as the headliner for this year’s concert, continuing their streak of missing out on legendary singer-songwriter Paul Simon during his 50+ year career. “Each year the entire campus waits on the edge of its seat to discover which famous artist who was instrumental in shaping the…
