Tuesday, September 8, 2026
SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters
Uh oh! Amelia Bedelia-like Friend to Bring “Hand-Stuffed Turkey” to Friendsgiving
Class of 2059 Disappointed By “Ugly” and “Dated” Gates Hall
This Week’s “Sex on Thursdays” Just Straight-up Porn

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Three Top Administrators to Leave This Year Probably Know Something We Don’t
Russian Roommate Won’t Stop Encroaching on Ukrainian Roommate’s Side of Room
Ithaca Street Plows Do A Good Job
First Frisbee of Spring Sees Shadow, Predicts No More Weeks of Winter

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student with textbook

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

Both Roommates Waiting for Right Time to Put Up Katy Perry Poster

Cornell Athletics Finally Sees Positive Results

Brag Much? Area Freshman Puts Sock on Doorknob of Single

Guy Who Microwaved His Hamster in The Third Grade Grateful to Keep Doing What He Loves in Animal Science Program

Collegetown Boba Cafe Opens Next to Collegetown Boba Cafe, Under Collegetown Boba Cafe

OP-ED: I Refuse To Shower If I’m Just Going To Walk Somewhere Later

As Flu Season Ramps Up, Gannet Recommends Not Sneezing Into People’s Mouths

Football Player with Humiliation Kink Really Excited for Yale Game

Freshman Roommate Shows True Colors, Suddenly “Not A Fan” Of Chain-Smoking

“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Mere days after Anime Club treasurer Carl Bergenson ‘23 submitted an appeal for a $5,000 hentai on Blu-Ray budget request following its rejection, Bergenson returned home to an anonymous hand-written note threatening to “Nevuh fuck with us again.”   “Past treasurers had warned me about the fearsome SAFC and told me to watch out for…

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TA’s Parents Screaming in Background of Office Hours Really Contributing to Learning Experience

Nooz Staff02 mins

ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes. Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat in the Zoom waiting room,…

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Duo Mobile Introduces Split-Screen with Subway Surfer Gameplay in Latest Update

Nooz Staff02 mins

SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—In a bold attempt to strengthen its monopoly on the market for needlessly annoying authenticating platforms for college students, Duo Mobile is set to launch an exciting new feature that preys on the crippled attention spans of young adults everywhere. This move was prompted by the disappointing response to their previous update. Contrary…

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Birder Actually Not Sure About That One

Nooz Staff02 mins

BEEBE LAKE—Birder Ernest Sanford ‘30 reported he was “actually not sure about that one” after a friend’s request for the identification of a bird flying overhead Sunday afternoon. “Y’know, I can’t quite tell. Yeah. Hm. That’s… yeah. Hm,” stated the birdwatcher politely, having clearly been thrown a curveball. After several more seconds of troubled squinting,…

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“I’ll Have the Finest Steak Libe Cafe Has to Offer”: Little Orphan Boy Comes into Vast BRB Inheritance

Nooz Staff03 mins

Huzzah! Fortunes have surely changed for little Henry Sackcloth ‘26, who after a lifetime of poverty has discovered himself to be the sole inheritor of an immense BRB fortune! Poor Sackcloth had lived out his Cornell education in deepest penury. His parents both having been taken from him at a young age by a tankard…

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Student Praised by Relatives at Thanksgiving Secretly Failing Class

Nooz Staff01 mins

BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you…

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Drunk 21-Year-Old Pees Himself, Would be Considered Adult in Most of World

Nooz Staff01 mins

COLLEGETOWN– According to sources, senior Colin Atkins urinated himself after a night of excessive drinking late Saturday night, and would be considered a fully-grown adult with the corresponding responsibilities in many cultures. The inebriated student reportedly “shotgunned like eight or ten beers with his bros” and, if he lived in many second or third world…

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