ITHACA- Max Harmon ’14 was both shocked and saddened Tuesday after learning that he had accomplished merely 9 things on the Cornell Daily Sun’s “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do.” “I could’ve sworn I’d done more,” pleaded the regretful human development major, lamenting never handing out quartercards on Ho Plaza (#85) or visiting the sex…
ITHACA-Senior Eric Scaley found himself in hot water this morning after accidentally referring to his interviewer as ‘Mom’ during an interview for a prestigious position at Deloitte. The interview was going smoothly until recruiter Jen Ellison remarked that she was impressed by Scaley’s resume. Scaley eagerly replied “Thanks, Mom!” Reportedly, this was followed by 15…
URIS LIBRARY—While working on renovations in Uris Library’s Cocktail Lounge, construction workers have been flagrantly disregarding the “Whisper Zone” signs located throughout the study area. “They’re just so inconsiderate. How am I supposed to watch Netflix or snap my brothers when the jackhammers and table saws are exceeding the level of a gentle whisper?” complained…
MILSTEIN HALL- In a statement released last Tuesday, the Architecture and History departments announced that they are coming together to offer a new class this spring titled “History of Campus Construction.” “We wanted to offer a class that was unique to Cornell, and we felt that this class truly exemplifies the mission of our slowly…
MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations. “Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve…
PRINCETON, NJ—Upon returning home from campus, sexual deviant Jack Bergen ‘22 was unsure whether to be aroused or worried after experiencing shortness of breath, one of the primary symptoms of COVID-19. “I would normally love the asphyxiation,” said Bergen. “But with this whole Coronavirus shebang I’m not sure if my difficulty breathing is concerning enough…
MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…
IVES HALL—Amid the aftermath of the administration’s decision to discontinue its contract with Starbucks, cheers cascaded through Ives Hall as labor organizers and union supporters alike celebrated the decision. Among the gleeful shouts, Jack Stowe’s cheers rang the loudest. “We did it!” exclaimed Stowe. “The credit for such an achievement goes out to the entire…
DAY HALL—Mere hours after it was reported the Trump Administration aims to freeze $1 billion of Cornell’s federal funding, a Go-Fund Me page was created with quite the lofty objective of the exact same amount. “Trump may have unchecked political power and a cult-like supporter base, but we have this snazzy lil’ link that is…
ITHACA, NY — The student body is building its anticipation over the upcoming announcement of this year’s Slope Day location. “There’s always so much interesting speculation,” said junior Peter Yang, who expressed his disappointment over previous Slope Day locations for their muddy surfaces and uneven footing. “It’s so exciting! The last couple years it’s been…
