Over the weekend university officials in the Undergraduate Admissions Office and the Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives revealed their new method of admitting students to create a class that is “100% diverse”. The new admissions scheme, starting with the Class of 2018, aims to make the incoming student body exactly mirror the racial, geographic, and economic…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Students stopping to use Willard Straight’s bathroom facilities Saturday confirmed that their routines were interrupted by speculation over the building’s antique condom dispensers, which could only be the last remnants of the building’s former 24/7 orgy. “Imagine… a time when noses weren’t the only orifice being pounded. A time when ‘business casual’ included…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Huddled around a laptop streaming Young Thug’s song F Cancer to fully understand the meaning of the rapper’s lyrics, English Professors discovered that the lyrics to his songs are a masterpiece of poetry, brilliantly summarizing the human condition. “Mr. Thug brilliantly works in themes of perseverance in the face of adversity…
CENTRAL CAMPUS — Chris Reynolds ‘18, a student in Beginning Mandarin I, has reportedly been attempting to greet every Asian student he passes by saying “Ni hao” as if it’s no big deal. “I don’t even know this kid,” said Charles Park, a senior in the Hotel school who walked by Reynolds on Ho Plaza…
RHODES HALL — Walking around the faculty lounge like some kind of big shot, Assistant Professor of Applied Mathematics Hermann Schweitz is reportedly talking to the full professors of his department as if he’s hot shit or something. “So, are you guys going to the colloquium talk this afternoon? Can I come with you?” exclaimed…
ARTS QUAD – Following a relatively surprising November snowstorm, reports indicate that Cornell students are using the change in weather as a conversation topic in place of much more controversial issues dominating discussions for the past month. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so snowy!” said Hannah Palmer ’19, choosing to ignore potentially polarizing subjects such…
NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom. “Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around this time of year so…
HIGH RISE 5- Reports indicate that Simon Blackwell ’18, after completely unpacking his belongings into his dorm room and walking back with his parents out to the car, was given cryptic, nearly incomprehensible advice by his father. “Now look son, college is a new stepping stone in your life. You can step on it, give…
If you scroll down all the way down the Twitter comments where Roxane Gay wrote, “I’ll hook you up” on the Daily Sun article, addressing Cornell’s lack of a convocation speaker, you’ll find one more comment—from yours truly—that says, “I’ll hook you up, too.” Hi. It’s me, Frank. I’m a sophomore English major from Kentucky,…
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10 bio class likes me back. All she needs is that little push, y’know? So I got a candle from Target, some yarn from Michael’s, and some spices from the dumpster behind Qawah. I laid it all on my desk, pentagram…
