SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Last week, a Cornell alumni was drafted to the NFL during the league’s 2024 draft. Following the development, NFL health scientists have begun to test coaches for brain damage too. “We found significant lapses in judgment within the upper cortex of our coach, John Ray,” said Dr. Flora Norman, a concussion specialist for the…
COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—The many patrons of Collegetown Bagels were made unknowing witnesses to a masterful display of proper patient privacy procedure by Cornell Health therapist Dr. Lynn Dravis this Thursday. While standing in the restaurant’s famous and extensive line, Dr. Dravis discretely and purposefully winked towards her patient, Ken Pollmer ‘24, communicating an entire doctrine’s worth…
ITHACA, NY – In an action that has confused friends and family alike, Student Assembly vice president Sarah Balik has begun reasoning all of her thoughts out loud, often employing obscure metaphors. “The thing about swine is that they always seem to love the muck they live in. Why wouldn’t they? It’s all they know….
ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend. “It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains,…
I’m done. That’s it. I give up. I’m not showering until the weather cools down. Every single day, no matter where I go or what time it is, I am drenched in sweat from head to toe. Collegetown to Uris? No question. Rockefeller to the Engineering Quad? Yep. I had to walk from Klarman to…
BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body. “COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson,…
DAY HALL- Administration announced early this morning that the University would be closing from 8:00AM-12:00PM due to fog putting a real damper on the morning. “We woke up this morning, saw all the fog, and just though, ‘Ugh, I do not feel like getting out of bed,’” said spokesman Claudia Wheatley while still in her…
What do you mean? Stalking your crush through your club’s Instagram account is normal and healthy. Love requires sacrifice. That’s why, when I initially needed to find his Instagram, I went through the club account’s followers until I found the person I saw him eating with once through my binoculars. From there, it was pretty…
SCHOELLKOPF — With a nail-biting 27 to 13 win over Yale University, the Cornell campus lost a humongous bet of collectively over $6,000,000 at the Homecoming game this afternoon. “I can’t believe I lost that much money,” said Daniel Nogroski ’18, who expected a 10:1 payout on Cornell losing and planned to spend his winnings on a…
