COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest CTB California Sunshine bagel. I’m…
NORTH CAMPUS—For Skylar Rawlins ‘29, joining a fraternity has always been the plan. For years, he’s looked forward to the camaraderie and lasting memories that brotherhood would instill in him. Now, however, it seems like he may be having second thoughts. Recent eyewitness accounts describe Rawlins as appearing severely injured, with a black eye appearing…
STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…
RPCC PARKING LOT—Reports indicate that west-facing residents of High Rise 5 awoke to what was supposed to be a choir’s serenade at approximately 1:57am Wednesday night. Many students sleepily stumbled towards their windows to witness a local A Capella group set up microphones and a speaker to inform prospective members of their application status. Bystanders…
KLARMAN HALL–As the end of class drew near this Tuesday, Professor Janet Williams shut off her overhead projector, walked in front of the podium, and began an impromptu closing monologue about the educational values she hopes to have imparted on the future leaders of America. “I’d like to shift gears for a few minutes now,…
GATES HALL – After posting his credit card and social security numbers in a comment thread originally about graph theory, CS major Eddy Wright ‘18 realized too late that he had been catfished on the CS 2800 class Piazza forum. “I was having trouble with this inductive proof and I wanted to know if anyone…
BAKER HALL—After Cornell announced that campus will be closed starting at 5 AM, dedicated chemistry professor Chuck E. Chang had no choice but to drag his students into lecture at the crisp hour of 4 in the morning. “Normally I don’t allow beverages in my classroom, but I made a special exception for those students…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL- This Thursday, throughout the Temple of Zeus atrium, cell phones buzzed with the announcement email of an exciting new opportunity for students: Cornell Taking Day and a doubling of students’ tuition. “At first I thought Cornell was taking away something important like good toilet paper in the bathrooms or the sexually gratifying…
STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched despite its close proximity to…
CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s. “The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Harvard and Brown also lost…
