COLLEGE AVE—Maddy Smith ‘26, member of Delta Alpha Chi Kappa Phi’s latest pledge class, is proud to announce that her sorority is leagues ahead of all others and is willing to fight tooth and nail with anyone who shows the slightest inclination to disagree. According to Smith, who spends a modest 8 hours a day…
“I don’t know where I went wrong,” Grant Zuckerman told Cornell Nooz. Zuckerman, who claimed to have “the next Facebook – a once-in-a-lifetime idea,” was struck by the fact that he was not yet a millionaire. “I thought I did everything right: I came up with a great idea, told all my friends about it,…
IVES HALL— In the face of mounting pressure from his peers, Industrial and Labor Relations junior Brent Samson recently assuaged fears that he was a corporatist, boot-licking Bezos simp by vaguely claiming that he has plans to work in the labor movement eventually, unless of course he could make more money in corporate law. “I…
SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.” The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that…
HO PLAZA – A march for white civil rights and recognition, organized by the Union of White Cornell Students, occurred on Ho Plaza today, however it was largely unnoticed due to the march being nearly indistinguishable from the normal pedestrian traffic of students on campus. “That march was today? I was out here giving out…
Upon entering my 11:20 class, BIOMS 2210: Introduction to Infectious Disease, I was immediately met with a chilling sensation. Something was wrong. Though I had arrived only two minutes before the lecture was to begin, the typically crowded lecture hall remained largely empty. I scanned the seats for my friends but found none. Deep in…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, one of my foremost responsibilities is to ensure the well-being of our many employees. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides in improving working conditions and ensuring harmonious labor relations. From generously raising the pay of grad student workers to confirming a previous positive assessment of…
ITHACA – Earlier today, at around 2 PM, the Cornell Police distributed an email notifying the campus community of an altercation between a Cornellian and his “non-Cornellian friend,” and several “Asian subjects” near Myron Taylor Hall. The Cornellian victim was found substantially injured at the scene when police arrived. “In light of recent events, we…
WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump’s Department of Education and Elon Musk’s so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) have reportedly made inquiries into Cornell University’s activities and funding as part of a broader attack on academia. During an Oval Office press conference on higher education, Trump thumbed through a briefing on Cornell and remarked, “Wow, everything’s computer.”…
MORRISON DINING—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted Saturday staffing Toni Morrison Dining Hall, as services across campus continue to function at a limited capacity due to the ongoing UAW workers’ strike. His presence prompted speculation from students, faculty, and striking workers alike– was he simply posturing as an everyman, or mounting a proverbial attack on…
