COLLEGETOWN—A new gastro-judicial establishment is coming to Ithaca! Justice Felix Frankfurter, co-founder of the Big Red Food Court, said he and partner Warren E. Burger are opening the food court to address a recent rash of culinary litigation. “Brown v. Cutting Board, Lawrence v. Tex-Mex, Miranda v. Arizona Iced Tea, and Worcestershire v. Georgia are…
NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me…
MEWS HALL – High school valedictorian, Phoebe Young ‘20, has decided she will considerately refrain from telling her new, less intelligent floormates that she graduated first in her class. “There’s no reason to make these brainless imbeciles feel dumber than they already do,” said Young of the Ivy League students she will live with for…
Hey there, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little thing. Nice to see you’ve been getting all settled into your new life here, but have you considered what you’re gonna be doing outside of class? Well if you haven’t decided yet, you should try applying to our club that we’ll probably reject you from anyways! That’s right! It…
COLLEGETOWN— Cornell’s latest efforts to ensure pedestrian safety has had a tangible impact in Collegetown, where the average speed of a car hitting a pedestrian has gone down from 80 mph to 75 mph. The new law reduced the speed limit 5 mph, from 30 mph to 25 mph. Motorists have apprehensively accepted the shift:…
ARTS QUAD—Throughout Upstate New York, arctic blast weather patterns have produced extreme outdoor conditions, subzero windchills, and heavy winter precipitation. The dangerously low temperatures have forced students across campus to deploy advanced protective gear: trendy little multicolored scarves. “On one hand, the Real Feel is -30 degrees,” reasoned Eileen Martin ‘28. “On the other, I…
HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…
COLLEGETOWN— To the delight of students and faculty across campus, the recently-opened Johnson School building in Collegetown provides a new class setting and study space adjacent to Ithaca’s most popular waxing spot. “I love being able get my monthly Brazilian only steps away from my first class,” said Madeline West, MBA ‘18 as she gazed…
WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began. “My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos…
ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus. “President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this…
