COLLEGETOWN– Katerina Grochenko, a senior of Ukrainian descent, is reporting that living with her Russian roommate Maria Vasileva ‘16 has been “a pure nightmare” this past week. “Maria won’t stop dumping her stuff on my side of the room. She uses my dishes and eats my food,” said the distraught Grochenko. When I ask her…
KEETON HOUSE – At the end of this Fall semester, Evan Hunter ‘18 now finds himself unable to remember any sound that doesn’t come from his expansive Spotify library. “I haven’t stopped listening to music for the past two weeks. Everywhere I go, no matter what I do, I can only hear the cacophony of…
DAY HALL—In a rare demonstration of vulnerability, President Martha Pollack opened up to students with an emotional request this Friday morning: “My phone is almost dead, does anyone have a charger I can borrow for like half an hour?” “I forgot my charger in my city office. I know what you’re thinking, ‘classic sloppy Martha,…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After a particularly tense Thanksgiving dinner peppered with snide remarks, Jane Davidson ’19 was surprised by the kindness prompted by the last slice of pumpkin pie. “I got riled up when Janey rolled up our damn driveway with her blue Prius and Hillary 2016 sticker,” said Davidson’s ultra conservative grandfather as…
NEW YORK INTERSTATE ROUTE 81–Noting the increasingly withered and gray vegetation outside the car window, Sarah Pewter ‘20 remarked to her friends that they must be nearing Ithaca on their return trip from Fall Break. “Look at all the trees in that field that are all shriveled up and don’t have any leaves.” said Pewter,…
ARTS QUAD – Following a relatively surprising November snowstorm, reports indicate that Cornell students are using the change in weather as a conversation topic in place of much more controversial issues dominating discussions for the past month. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so snowy!” said Hannah Palmer ’19, choosing to ignore potentially polarizing subjects such…
OLIN LIBRARY—I’ll say it. I am sick and tired of these so-called STEM majors complaining about their fucking “prelims”, “research,” and the “general horror that is being pre-med.” Quite frankly, if “studying for the MCAT” were so important, you wouldn’t be interrupting my (very much needed) afternoon public Poptropica session. As I was sitting on…
As advanced AI systems become increasingly ingrained within our world, aiding in everything from Spotify recommendations to software engineering, and now matchmaking, I propose that we turn yet another tricky puzzle over to our new robot pals: morality. How old is too old? How young is too young? These complex and multifaceted issues have plagued…
ARTS QUAD—For the first time since its rollout on March 28, President Michael Kotlikoff has invoked Cornell’s final university-wide Expressive Activity Policy against a group of students enjoying a sunny day on the Arts Quad with unmistakably nefarious intent. The offending students, described as belonging to “a loose coalition of 91 different clubs and organizations”,…
URIS LIBRARY – Students were temporarily distracted from studying when a loud thud echoed through the cocktail lounge today, taking their focus away from prelims for about ten seconds. “What was that?” mumbled Kerry Thomas ’18 to herself, who was finishing a problem set for her physics class at the time of the incident. Thomas…
