IVES HALL — Materializing in the third row of the lecture hall without the professor even noticing, ILR student and real-life ninja Brian Eriksson ’18 managed to sneak undetected into class twenty minutes late. “I didn’t even see him coming into the room, but he definitely wasn’t there for the first half of the lecture….
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In this rising age of polarization, it is rare that parties reach across the aisle to get important work done. In a stunning development for bipartisanship, Cornell Dems and Cornell Republicans have each agreed to “only have two women”. Cornell Republican President Jake Horan ‘25 was relieved that the two groups were able…
NEW YORK – Searching to get some experience working in the professional world, Ian Littlefield ’16 remains hopeful about getting an internship for the summer of 2015 despite it already being the middle of July. “A lot of employers look like they already have all the interns they need,” said Littlefield, meticulously revising his cover…
MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before…
SKYBRIDGE: Residents of Court, Kay, Bauer, and Mews Halls announced this morning plans for a charity carwash to raise money for residents of the High and Low Rise residence halls. “We are all Cornellians. To see members of our family suffering in the slums of North Campus is heartbreaking. Now it’s our time to show…
Amidst cries of protest, Cornell’s German Language department is set to move into the Polish Language’s departmental office space. German Language dept. chair Hanz Friedel told CU Nooz that the department “just needs a bit more elbow room” and that there “should be absolutely no cause for alarm.” The English Department has too criticized the…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives. “It’s exactly how I…
My name is Paul Goodman and I am, in fact, in a secret society. That’s right — I’m in Quill and Dagger. I really want to emphasize that though I am actively telling you that I am in a secret society, I really would appreciate if you kept this information to yourself. I’m only telling…
DAY HALL — Cornell celebrated the rousing success of their plan to distract students angry about the new Health Fee by raising tuition again. “We asked ourselves, how can we get all these angry students to forget about the health fee? Then we realized — maybe they will forget about the fact that we are…
NORTHEAST ITHACA—With the arrival of October, the Homecoming festivities have finally come to a close at Cornell University. However, one eager student with cash to blow has not gotten the message. “Did you know that I had the blessed chance to see once-in-a-lifetime music revolutionary Steve Aoki at the ZBT house?” asked sophomore transfer Jackson…
