BARTELS HALL—After not losing last night, Cornell men’s basketball team has maintained its perfect no-loss record into the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament. “Honestly, if you’d asked me in February I would have thought we’d have lost by now,” admitted guard James Banket ‘24. “If you had told me we would be undefeated going…
MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life. “I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, but wasn’t able to seal…
WEST CAMPUS— Just one hour before the class is set to begin for the year, the Canvas page for Advanced Economics of Trade remains unviewable on Canvas, sending anxious students into a spiral of paranoia and panic over potential first-class expectations. “Nothing at all? Not even a syllabus?” asked James Allen ‘24. “I have absolutely…
HUMAN ECOLOGY BUILDING—Local Fiber Science & Apparel Design major Daphne Gladden ’23 is reportedly excited to wow her family by graduating with a degree from Cornell University’s proposed College of Public Policy. “When I told my family that I wanted to study fashion design at a “Human Ecology” school, my parents weren’t thrilled,” explained Gladden….
STATLER HALL — According to insider information, SA President Sarah Balik is diligently rehearsing her speech which the Board of Trustees will almost immediately ignore. Initial reports indicate that Balik had spent a minimum of seven hours meticulously poring over her speech so that it is as clear, concise, and moving as possible before spending…
Cornell Transportation Services has announced that ခြ will be the symbol for the newest parking restrictions on campus. “We felt that ခြ would be an excellent opportunity to provide more people the right to park on campus. If you see a parking zone with ခြ, it means you can park there between 2:00AM – 5:59AM…
UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor. “Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian plans yet again!” Mr. Marauder…
TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking…
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing. “We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step…
BEEBE LAKE – Steadily accumulating a debt of over $100,000 over four years, Junior History major Landon Hearn has recently begun spending money that could pay off his mounting student loans on his new photography hobby. “I got a new camera and a pretty cool tripod, so I’m probably gonna go out every weekend and…
