ARTS QUAD—For the first time since its rollout on March 28, President Michael Kotlikoff has invoked Cornell’s final university-wide Expressive Activity Policy against a group of students enjoying a sunny day on the Arts Quad with unmistakably nefarious intent.
The offending students, described as belonging to “a loose coalition of 91 different clubs and organizations”, seem to have hatched a plot to disrupt Arts Quad operations with their rambunctious frolicking, according to a university spokesperson.
CUPD officers called to the scene had difficulty identifying the nature of the protest, but did discover troubling signs of amplified sound (a portable speaker sitting in the grass), obstruction of University property (one student chasing a stray volleyball across the sidewalk), and the wielding of dangerous implements (several hard plastic discs being used as high-speed projectiles).
“This is a reminder that our Expressive Activity Policy implementation is entirely content-neutral,” explained Kotlikoff. “I don’t care what dissenting opinion these ruffians are trying to voice—they’re clearly up to something. Just look at the light in their eyes, the way they’re socializing with each other, their enthusiastic use of outdoor spaces. Are they even Cornell students?”
To the relief of the administration, the demonstration was thwarted by a brief afternoon rainstorm; participants dispersed before they could say anything that would hurt Kotlikoff’s feelings. The university president hurriedly returned to Day Hall to fire off an email to the White House about how good Cornell is at stamping out student protests. “I can’t believe the cowards at Harvard care so much about their integrity,” Kotlikoff said, taking a seat at his desk. “Clearly, there’s never been a better time to double down as a spineless bootlicker.”
