MORRISON HALL—As admitted students excitedly rove around campus, eager to learn more about their future home of four years, their families are left with nothing to do except pester the innocent passersby with unanswerable questions. These family members are dedicated to their pursuit, stopping current students anywhere they possibly can, at any and all hours…
COLLEGETOWN—Mid-Thursday afternoon, collegetown driver Alex Harmon’s usual commute was interrupted by an age-old moral quandary. “It was a totally average day; I was driving my dad’s Porsche down College Avenue at an easy 170 miles per hour,” stated Harmon. “All of a sudden, five pedestrians appeared on the crosswalk just past the red light I…
ARTS QUAD—For the first time since its rollout on March 28, President Michael Kotlikoff has invoked Cornell’s final university-wide Expressive Activity Policy against a group of students enjoying a sunny day on the Arts Quad with unmistakably nefarious intent. The offending students, described as belonging to “a loose coalition of 91 different clubs and organizations”,…
OLIN LIBRARY—Students rejoiced as the long-awaited Olin Library renovation was finally completed this past week, reopening a popular study area on the main floor. For months, library goers have silently endured the overcrowded conditions. It became a common sight to see flocks of Cornellians circling the room, looking for an open chair. But now, thanks…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—When a lecturer continues past the scheduled end of class, many students are afraid or indifferent, and pass over the opportunity to speak up. But when his History of Egypt lecture ran long last week, Moses Amramson ‘26 decided to take matters into his own hands. “I was sitting next to my brother, Aaron,…
DAY HALL—Mere hours after it was reported the Trump Administration aims to freeze $1 billion of Cornell’s federal funding, a Go-Fund Me page was created with quite the lofty objective of the exact same amount. “Trump may have unchecked political power and a cult-like supporter base, but we have this snazzy lil’ link that is…
A BED WITH A WHITE DUVET—God gives its toughest battles to its stwongest warriors, so obviously I’m like a war hero or something because I had to overcome quite the stwuggle last night. You see, usually Daddy and I waltz right on to Philbert, which is what we named our pwivate jet, but before we…
