Westchester, NY — After weeks of partying, bar hopping, and procrastination, Junior Daniel Kravitz is looking forward to go back home to be put in check by his parents. Kravitz says, “I feel like I’ve had all this fun, but life needs balance. I’m looking forward to being lectured by my parents on the ills…
If ever I were to tell a student that I wished they had a larger chest, plumper butt, or more attractive proportions, I would immediately be met outside Barton Hall by an angry mob with pitchforks. So why, I ask, do you think it’s okay to wish that my curves were bigger, wider, or more…
My mid-morning Critical Theory class had just begun, and, ever the eager pupil, I was excited to enter into a spirited debate about this week’s readings. As an informed moderate, I was prepared to argue that the true virtues of capitalism lie in the system’s benevolent attitudes towards working people, lifting them out of unemployment…
CALL AUDITORIUM—A mere five weeks after the commencement of Spring semester, the BioEE 1780 Preliminary Exam found itself being passed out to 229 students in Call Auditorium. It had only just dawned upon the Prelim that these bright-eyed faces were waiting to scratch their threateningly sharp pencils on its freshly printed pages, and it was…
BEEBE LAKE — During a time at which countless freshman often feel lost and homesick, many incoming California students felt comforted and right at home during the recent drought in Ithaca. “They say you never realize what you will miss most about home until it is too late,” Golden State student Jack Reynolds stated, “For…
So funding for Cornell Cinema is up in the air. I’m sure we’re all a little sad that we might not get to watch our favorite arthouse classics week after week if the Student Assembly and Administration don’t work out the funding, but hey, if worse comes to worst, now that Cornell’s biggest film viewing…
SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended. “When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I was done for,” said Chase,…
Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity. “We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,”…
HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday. “I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just…
OUTSIDE DAY HALL – After zipping up his jacket all the way to his chin, putting on a second pair of socks, and donning a fluffy winter hat, reports indicate that spring transfer Kyle Ortiz ’20 is already cold. “Brrr, it’s cold here! Certainly different from the University of Miami,” said Ortiz, seemingly unaware of…
