OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. “Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you…
DAY HALL – Today, over a year and a half since the Gannett Health Fee was enacted, reports indicate that the university administrators are pretty stoked that everybody seems to have outright forgotten about the fee, which at the time incited anger and protests from students opposed to the unnecessary bursar charge. “Nobody is really…
Cornell Transportation Services has announced that ခြ will be the symbol for the newest parking restrictions on campus. “We felt that ခြ would be an excellent opportunity to provide more people the right to park on campus. If you see a parking zone with ခြ, it means you can park there between 2:00AM – 5:59AM…
CENTRAL – In a recent press conference, Ithacan wind patterns announced a recently launched initiative to blow snow directly into your face. Having made clear the great effort required to accomplish such a feat, the wind told campus officials that it would stop at nothing to ensure that all students get to experience the sting…
CALL AUDITORIUM – Swaying back and forth while fondly recalling a simpler time before the mainstream media takedown of the conservative party, former Georgia Republican representative Newt Gingrich sat in an old creaky rocking chair for the entirety of his lecture at Cornell. “Free speech on liberal college campuses is under attack! Why, when I…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—The College of Human Ecology is offering a new course in the Fall of 2020 for those who want to understand the psychology of parenthood, but can’t be bothered with the inconvenience of copulation. HD3800, The Art of Baby Snatching, is a welcome addition to the college’s courseroll. Human Development majors had…
ITHACA- Thousands of Cornell students and faculty spend yesterday with their loved ones, in order to commemorate events involving a man who was on a boat a very long time ago. All courses were cancelled, and most students’ parents were allowed to take off from work as well. Administration spokesperson Patricia Stevens explained that, “The…
ITHACA, NY and EDUCATION CITY, QATAR—Amid controversies surrounding the 2022 World Cup, Cornell University President Martha Pollack defended the university’s Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar satellite campus. Hailing the Gulf state as “the world’s most progressive petro-monarchy,” Pollack appealed to Cornell’s values. “In the words of our founder, we will always strive to do the greatest good….
Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.” He talked at length about…
