MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
KLARMAN HALL—While his peers are preoccupied with looking for jobs, Simon Rice ‘26 is getting a head start on crafting the perfect Common App Resume. Although he’s now a senior in college, his role as president of the Model UN club is sure to wow any college admissions board. “If I keep working hard while…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” “How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense…
OLIN LIBRARY—Panic ensued among patrons of Libe Cafe as what started off as a wimpy high-pitched whine grew into a deafening whistle, its shrill sound piercing ears and shattering phone screens. Searching for a means of sequestering the shrieking, workers rushed to unplug their appliances and knock over anything that might produce such an intense…
Daniel Stone, a freshman planning to major in economics, reportedly missed his opportunity to enroll in Introductory Microeconomics for the Spring 2015 semester during freshman course enroll. As a result, Stone’s faculty advisor has informed him that he will never be able to earn his undergraduate degree. “I don’t understand how it happened,” said the…
After scrolling through the Instagram pages of all candidates, CU Nooz’s Editorial Team believes that no presidential candidate demonstrates the corruption and lack of respect necessary to fully represent the institutional values of this paper: power and relentless greed. Cornell stands at a precipice. We’re not sure why, or how to fix it, but the…
COLLEGETOWN—While many current sophomores and juniors were relieved to secure desirable Collegetown housing for the upcoming year, one destitute freshman has very little to celebrate. Hotel school student Parker McQuinton ’27 has displayed an utter lack of initiative as he is yet to sign a lease for the 2027-2028 year. “It’s really important to use…
COLLEGETOWN — A newly hired bouncer for the popular Collegetown bar Rulloff’s is reportedly “stunned” and “pretty surprised” by the diversity of home states and ages found on the driver’s licenses of a recent crowd of Cornell students. “I gotta say, I wasn’t expecting to see much variety on my first day. I saw Illinois,…
BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING- Responding to claims that the student body and general public have a lack of insight into Cornell’s financial operations, President David Skorton told attendees of Monday’s Town Hall Meeting that the University will take steps toward greater financial translucency. “I understand that in an institution of our size, with a lot of red…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
