WEST CAMPUS—Hoping to snag a coveted slot on West Campus, numerous rising sophomores were disappointed to learn that they would instead be living nowhere. While many housing lottery participants had worried that they might end up in Cascadilla Hall, they had not thought to worry that the Department of Housing & Residential Life would forget…
STEWART AVE—With the return of generations of Cornell alumni to Ithaca this coming weekend, the roads of Collegetown eagerly anticipate the opportunity to bump, scratch, and totally annihilate vehicles of all shapes and sizes. Particularly excited and primely located is the historic brick road portion of Stewart Avenue. Decades behind in much needed repairs and…
MAMARONECK, NY—Thad McQuaid ‘20 recently expressed profound sadness that the first scorching of his oppressively pasty skin happened at home in Westchester, and not on the Arts Quad back in Ithaca. “It just sucks, bro,” McQuaid explained tearfully. “Every year my boys and I would wait for the first nice day of spring and spend…
NORTH CAMPUS – Many long-held prayers were finally answered as students were met with dryers that did about as much drying as throwing a towel in the Pacific Ocean upon entering the laundry room to do their first batch of laundry for the semester. “I’m glad the university is finally taking steps towards the things…
ARTS QUAD—Well-rested and ready to tackle any threat to the safety of Cornell students, former Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner was witnessed wrestling with an anthropomorphic coronavirus in front of Goldwin Smith Hall. “It looks like Zoner was using a combination of Judo and Jiu Jitsu,” said bystander DeAndre Williams ’23. “She swept it from…
IVES HALL – In an apparent attempt to make the course material more relatable, Economics professor Stephan Thomas explained the Principle of Opportunity Cost by reminding all students of everything they were giving up in order to be in class right now. “You see, whenever you choose something, you’re giving something else up,” began Thomas…
ARTS QUAD — After being dumped on the Arts Quad and deemed as “close enough,” a large pile of much-needed seating for Klarman Hall almost made it to its destination this week. “We got really close,” said Facilities Manager James Alwin. “I mean, a few hundred more yards and we would’ve made it into Klarman…
JANSEN’S MARKET — Onlookers in Noyes came to the conclusion earlier this afternoon that the entire cheesecake staring at them from the lonely refrigerated display wasn’t going to eat itself after all. “One thing’s for certain: that scrumptious-looking dessert has no capacity for autophagy and no one else in this line has the guts to…
RILEY-ROBB HALL—Students of PLSCI 4190, “Cannabis: Biology, Society, and Industry” are totally bummed out that their absolute buzzkill of a professor won’t let them get even a teeny bit high during class. Trinity Earthsong ‘20 is particularly upset that her professor is being a “total stick in the mud” about pot. “I took his course…
JAMESON — After listening to his RA list off several prominent groups on campus that will organize tables at ClubFest this Sunday, freshman Geoff Kaplan expressed amazement at the incredible number of clubs that will spam his email for the next four years of his life. “I would have expected only three or four clubs…
