DAY HALL- In honor of the fact that Cornell is in its 150th year as an academic institution, the university announced today that it would celebrate by constantly reminding everybody about the fact that it is 150 years old. “This is a massive accomplishment for a prestigious university such as Cornell, and we figured the…
ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and…
COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling. “I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a…
Like many other seniors this year, I too have taken part in the job safari, but unlike others I have caught the elusive career lion. Yes, I have become the champion of the hunt, and I will thusly begin my life in New York City with the rest of the Cornellian pack at one of…
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…
LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan…
SAGE HALL—The highly exclusive business clubs have begun their brutal recruitment process. The infamous coffee chat is their weapon of choice, a formidable game of skill, wits, and mental strength used to prove a prospective member’s worth to the esteemed members of the club. One such meeting was overheard last afternoon. “Me suit better, BIGGER…
BARNES HALL – Senior Simone Sedgwick is supposedly super stoked about her looming prospects of post-graduation indentured servitude. “My current loan balance is 20% more than the annual salary of a nation’s leading neurosurgeons,” explained Sedgwick while playfully tearing out her hair. “The current cost of living combined with the astoundingly meager job prospects predict…
OLIN LIBRARY—Every day, hundreds of students hunker down in the Olin stacks, growing increasingly discouraged as their study sessions drag on. Etched into the Olin desks, however, are the few things that keep struggling students going: motivational messages meant to inspire. Such messages show students that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel,…
1. For a fun time with friends, go apple picking at Cornell Orchards! 2. When you get to the Orchards, lose your friends in the trees. You won’t be needing them. 3. Find the man wearing a red coat. 4. Don’t ask him any questions. 5. The man will have an envelope. Take it from…
