MCGRAW HALL- Rumors of the one true ally echoed across the Arts quad on Monday morning following a notable session of FGSS 2040: History of Feminism. Among the sea of dull and uninteresting women, Brandon Sikes ’24 shined. “It was so impressive,” exclaimed Becca Jensen ’23. “He nodded right through that whole lecture. All through…
STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched despite its close proximity to…
The Cornell University Class of 2024 are the only undergraduate students on campus old enough to remember being kicked out of their dorms due to the pandemic, let back in again, kicked off again, and then let back in again, and finally kicked off one final time. Any proper senior send-off allows graduating students to…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- After completing a successful 1-9 season, The Cornell Big Red football team were awarded individual participation trophies this morning. “We certainly didn’t win every game, but my boys gave it their all and I’m incredibly proud to award them with recognition of their participation,” said Coach David Archer, carrying a box of plastic…
COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that the professor who spent the entire semester single-handedly dismantling students’ GPA has a Wikipedia page that is “like, not even that long.” Mark Ostrovsky ‘28 said, “From the way he leaves homework comments, I expected to put my thumbs to…
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
BARNES HALL—Congratulations! You made it to the Ivy League! As a Cornell student, you get unlimited access to the finest resources the institution has to offer: world-class professors, cutting-edge research facilities, and a career services department that hasn’t worked on a résumé since the Bush administration. This last detail came as a surprise to unsuspecting…
TEAGLE HALL — After failing to swim the requisite 75 yards, Elizabeth Garrett was disappointed to announce she had not passed the water safety competency test enforced by the University. She will now need to enroll in PE 1100 – Beginning Swimming and pass the course before the end of her tenure, in order to…
COLLEGETOWN— A recent survey of the Cornell for Biden student organization revealed that all three active members of the pro-Biden group now deeply regret their decision to publicly support an aggressively bland neoliberal who almost certainly will not come through on the majority of his campaign promises, on account of the fact that he has…
GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL – Veronica Lopez, ‘15 Comparative Literature, reports feeling ostracized by the rest of the Comparative Literature majors ever since she secured a job for after graduation. Lopez says, “After I accepted the offer, everyone treats me a little differently. Every time I talk in class, people try to qualify it with ‘Oh, that…
