NEW YORK – Searching to get some experience working in the professional world, Ian Littlefield ’16 remains hopeful about getting an internship for the summer of 2015 despite it already being the middle of July. “A lot of employers look like they already have all the interns they need,” said Littlefield, meticulously revising his cover…
CASCADILLA HALL—A White House announcement last Monday suggested that acetaminophen, commonly branded as Tylenol, is a leading cause of autism. The announcement sent shockwaves through the dating app community, members of whom are already adapting to the news. Local single Eric Pilgrim ‘28 immediately went on Hinge to announce that he “didn’t mind a little…
ROCKFORD, IL—Area graduate student and instructor of MEDVL 1101: Middle English Poetry, Carlos Galarraga, has reportedly achieved a record-setting sixty-two minute period of silence after asking a question about a recent reading to his first-year writing seminar. “It got a little awkward in there for a bit, but I believe it’s really important to let…
WILLARD STRAIGHT — The latest Cornell blood drive is sparking renewed frustration as donors receive their results from the required test taken before donation. Red Cross representative Katherine Lea reports, “The median blood type was around a B. This is a slightly above average result and the students should be very proud.” Chris Tanner, ‘18,…
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DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation. “Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and patient smile. “Someday, they will…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again. “I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize…
HANS BETHE HOUSE– Every semester, students use the course oster site to help them select and map out their classes in preparation for pre-enrollment. This semester, however, many students were taken aback by the introduction of a new, true-to-life, artificial intelligence father figure who loudly groaned, sighed, and grumbled every time they attempted to add…
NORTH CAMPUS—A regular Thursday evening in the Jameson 5th floor common room quickly devolved into shambles when weird student Jimmy Jenkins ’27 produced a Juul pod unlike any other, of the “Vent Behind Morrison” variety. “It started out normally enough,” stated fellow Jameson Resident Julie Earles ’25. “He shouted that he was fiending for nic,…
