CALL AUDITORIUM—Steve Forbes, Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine, is expected to impart a previously unreleased Forbes Quote of the Day on the audience at his Wednesday speech on Cornell’s campus. “I always love seeing inspirational quotes from figures such as Mark Zuckerberg and Whoopi Goldberg while I wait to read the article I clicked on,” said…
DAY HALL—After Student Assembly Resolution 15 requested that Cornell Health employ a gynecologist, administration responded with an elaborate and comprehensive response refuting any obligation they might have to grant healthcare to their students. “No,” claimed President Martha Pollack when asked whether the university could pay for an M.D. gynecologist as part of Cornell Health. When…
LOCATION BLOCKED—Streaming from the depths of his secret mountain lair, Professor Lucas Mordock excitedly announced over a Zoom lecture on Friday that “the time had finally come to set his master plan into motion,” instructing his students to submit a digital copy of their minds within a week. The chilling vision of things to come,…
By Trey Dean, Concerned Ithacan We all know that printed newspapers are a dying medium, and invariably in the future everything will transition online. But I’ve been a loyal fan of the Cornell Daily Sun for year, and now that they’ve announced their reduced printing schedule, I can’t help but wonder what I’ll cut little…
TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the…
by Associate Dean of Students Charlotte Beaufort When the Black Students United group came forward with their demand to change the name of the Cornell Plantations, citing the racial undertones that ‘plantations’ conveyed, the Board of Trustees had a long discussion of what to do. We eventually decided that, yes, the name should and would…
STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming…
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve always liked getting COVID tested. I love the tickle I feel in the back of my sinus when I shove that obnoxiously long cotton swab up my nose, I love feeling the slippery snot exit my nostril when I pull out the cotton swab, and…
COMSTOCK HALL—Citing that the study of insects is a field generally considered to be “slimy,” “oh jeez, so gross,” and “no no no take that thing away from me,” the deans of every Cornell academic college released a report today indicating they had unanimously voted upon entomology to be the ickiest undergraduate major. “We recognize…
COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed…
