KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium. “I was just leaving my 10:10 Biochemistry class, when…
LONG ISLAND—To fill the void caused by missing out on the valuable hands-on hospitality training he so desperately needs, Bronson Winchester ’23 has been leaving a mint or chocolate on his parents pillow every night before they go to bed. “While my parents are relaxing and watching TV unawares, I just meander over to their…
ONCE UPON A TIME—There was a little freshman in a little red hoodie, and so the student body called her Little Red Riding Hoodie. Little Red Riding Hoodie ‘29 was returning from her evening chem lab when she got a Crime Alert warning her to look out for a big, bad coyote. She did not…
DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest. “At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25….
BEAR NECESSITIES — Finally taking off his headphones, freshman HEY IS THERE A SAM HERE? came to the Nasties counter last night to pick up his chicken tenders six hours after they were first ready. After about fifteen minutes of calling from the Nasties screamer, the other students in the grill began a series of…
DAY HALL — Scoring three out of four stars, Cornell University was again ranked in the top three in the U.S. News and World Report’s 2017 List of Best Universities in Tompkins County. “It’s definitely a testament to the quality of the faculty and dining options we are proud to have at Cornell,” said Vice…
University officials announced Monday that undergraduate tuition will increase by $1,920 beginning next year. CU Nooz provides the breakdown of exactly where that money will go on a per student basis. $10: Tuition increase commemorative baseball caps $15: Bronze statue of Touchdown the Big Red Bear counting money $5: Upgrades to dorm laundry facilities so…
LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.” “These little shits have had it too good for too…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Despite the rumors that the humanities are dead, faculty and students at Cornell firmly believe that they are, in fact, only sleeping. “It’s only natural that the humanities would need a break,” explained Art History Professor Nick Chen. “They mattered for thousands of years, and a discipline can’t go on mattering like that…
ITHACA—Avid Cornell Daily Sun readers have become discouraged after seven consecutive months without an update to the paper’s “Blk Voices” column. Despite starting out strong with two poems focusing on the experiences of Black Americans, the project has not added a third installment. “I suppose it’s possible they just ran out of Black stories to…
