ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of…
MORRISON HALL—After years of student probing and questioning over the recipe to Morrison Hall’s famous baked goods, Cornell Dining chefs have finally acknowledged the secret ingredient in every Cornell muffin: pure hatred. “Every muffin we produce is crafted with pure disdain in order to produce the taste of distilled loathing every Cornell student loves,” explained…
CORNELL POLICE STATION — This past Sunday, Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner sent out a campus-wide email warning both students and faculty of Cornell of the inevitable end that is in store for all mortals. In the communique entitled “Time Waits For No One, Death Always Awaits as the Eternal Doorman, Phishing Alert,” Zoner warned…
COLLEGETOWN—Motorists and pedestrians alike were left apathetic today after an accident involving a Volkswagen Golf and one particularly patient freshman waiting for his chance to cross College Avenue. The license plate number of the vehicle responsible for the accident was traced to an apartment building 100 feet from the crosswalk in question. Its driver, Larry…
Hey queen! Can we have a little chat, just you and me? I am coming to you as a nameless, faceless concerned individual who is definitely not your best friend because nothing else seems to be getting through to you up to this point. I know the pandemic has been tough on all of us,…
WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box…
WEST CAMPUS—Following revelations that a campus fraternity conducted a contest in which new members racked up points based on having sexual intercourse, Cornell fraternities are starting to worry they might not be seen as models of tolerance and respect on campus. “I’ve always thought of us as pioneers when it comes to promoting open-mindedness and…
ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…
FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Student Assembly Freshman Representative Maria Solis ‘21 is reportedly deciding between looking to identify and implement solutions that fight all forms of racism and bigotry on campus, or to lobby for a 7% increase in forks at Robert Purcell Marketplace Eatery. “Both issues are critically and equally important to the freshman class,” said…
