THURSTON HALL—Despite the imminent end of this academic year, Jameson Tucker ‘21 continues to struggle with the first problem set of the semester for his PHYS 2213 course. “I’ve been comparing with other students, coming to office hours every week, and I even bought a chegg account,” said Tucker, sitting with a baffled TA. “But…
ITHACA, NY-Professor James Karpman began his fourth lecture of the semester today by continuing to review the fundamental plans and curriculum outlines for BIO 2380. Students are reportedly getting restless at the professor’s thoroughly detailed overview of his course plans for the semester. “On the first day we went over the basics of what units…
DAY HALL – Cornell University was informed this morning that it will be placed under interim suspension for “credible evidence” of hazing fraternities, with actions such as “frequent suspensions” being reported. “We believe that Cornell has broken numerous rules in the way they are dealing with fraternities on campus, and when rules are broken there…
MILSTEIN HALL–Armed with a hot glue gun and 218 boxes of uncooked pasta, fifth year AAP student Julia Pisano undertook the challenge of a lifetime: the construction of McGraroni Tower–a 1:20 scale model of Cornel’s most notable landmark. Upon its completion, instead of stepping back and admiring her marvel of modern architecture, Pisano broke into…
198.58.106.214—AEM Junior Todd McKleary recently struck a chord with the robot responsible for sorting resumes submitted to Goldman Sachs after it was discovered the two share an interest in hiking. The algorithm, licensed by Goldman Sachs from UK-based system provider Oleeo, has been ranking resumes for nearly half a decade and is reportedly happy to…
APPEL DINING HALL — Finishing up the best part of their balanced breakfast, hundreds of dining hall patrons this morning said their hearty bowls of Marshmallow Mateys were “marvelously scrumptious!” and that they were going goo-ga for Coco Roos. “Some people just don’t get why kids like the sweet flavor of Cinnamon Toasters,” said Arthur…
ITHACA- Bratslavian student Bohuslav Grergonsk is reportedly very excited to spend his first American Halloween at Cornell. Bohuslav told CU Nooz that he planned to “make good costume of the Breaking Bad or Miley Montanas” in order to share his love of American culture with his fellow classmates. Bohuslav was also hopeful to “do treating…
ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system. “We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a…
STEWART AVE—Last Monday, biology major Nick Slattery ‘23 was forced to reconsider his financial situation after his roommate deposited his share of their apartment’s rent into an anthropomorphic monkey shaped black hole. Despite prior conflicts over this very issue, Slattery’s roommate, Jason Schodd ‘23, assured the other members of the household that he was finally…
ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY—While mayoral candidates Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo battled over topics ranging from the housing crisis to the Israel-Hamas war in Thursday’s debate, Curtis Sliwa engaged in a battle of his own over the war-torn Western Front. At the start of the debate, Cuomo and Mamdani wasted little time launching into a heated…
