Due to under-staffing, all campus libraries and study spaces (other than Carpenter Hall) are now closed. The campus library system is frequented by thousands of students every day. The libraries are mostly used for socializing, sleeping, eating, printing things, and occasionally completing course work. The decision to close library facilities was poorly received by the…
WEST CAMPUS—Last Thursday, the cooks at Hans Bethe House tried their best and offered up a flavorless take on a dish with deep cultural roots. The dining hall staff was confident that, after about fifteen minutes of looking up empanada recipes, they could accurately deliver a cultural staple that has been perfected over generations all…
BARTELS HALL—After an embarrassing hearing on Capitol Hill failed to provide satisfactory answers, an internal government review found that no social media apps could ever possibly interact with Cornell’s wireless network. “I have to say I was concerned TikTok could somehow access Cornell’s Wi-Fi and gain access to the research we conduct on that campus,”…
COLLEGETOWN — It was learned today that favorite local late-night dessert establishment Insomnia Cookies will be closing in the upcoming months, and will eventually be replaced by a new business called Paranoia Undercooked Meats. “We here at Paranoia Undercooked Meats understand that Insomnia Cookies has been a staple among hungry students looking for a late-night…
LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA — Dana Harrington, mother of Jackson Whiting ‘18, expressed concern after receiving a call from her worry-free, unstressed son, who sounded completely content with his college experience instead of anxious and full of self-doubt like he’s supposed to be. “Something was definitely wrong. Jackson sounded happy and fully rested,” said Harrington, who sent…
ROSE HOUSE– After a surprise run-in with an acquaintance in the hot line at Flora Rose House Dining Room, one particularly affluent student was shocked that one of her friends could possibly have to earn a wage to afford school. “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry,” apologized Ashileigh Kennedy ‘24. “I had no idea….
WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK—Visiting home for the weekend, Trevor Troob ‘27 was surprised to find that every time he mentioned the concept of prelim, it went straight to his head. Though Troob’s ego was already somewhat inflated, after clarifying that prelims were “like the Cornell versions of tests,” he began to realize how much better he…
Olin and Uris, a pair of twin freshmen in the Dyson School, were found to be blissfully unaware of their Cornell legacy. “People keep saying how cute it is that our parents named us after their alma mater, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t go here,” commented Uris, bending to pick a singular blade of…
PHI ZETA BETA NU HOUSE — At 1:39 p.m. this Sunday in a warm living room, Lizzy Samuels ‘17 gave birth to 19-year-old Erica Derraugh, the newest addition to the Mystical Lineage of Phi Zeta Beta Nu, Gamma Lamma Chapter. But to everyone’s horror, Samuels soon began to doubt whether her little was truly to…
Say, that’s a pretty nice immune system you’ve got there, isn’t it? It’d be a shame if… well if something happened to it. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? Look, I’m just saying that these things break all the time. People get sick is all. People get really, really sick. And you don’t want…
