BARTELS HALL—After an embarrassing hearing on Capitol Hill failed to provide satisfactory answers, an internal government review found that no social media apps could ever possibly interact with Cornell’s wireless network. “I have to say I was concerned TikTok could somehow access Cornell’s Wi-Fi and gain access to the research we conduct on that campus,”…
NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom. “Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around this time of year so…
ITHACA- Thousands of Cornell students and faculty spend yesterday with their loved ones, in order to commemorate events involving a man who was on a boat a very long time ago. All courses were cancelled, and most students’ parents were allowed to take off from work as well. Administration spokesperson Patricia Stevens explained that, “The…
CRETE, GREECE—Reports from the headquarters of Wings Over Crete, a chicken restaurant and fierce competitor of Collegetown’s Wings Over Ithaca, indicate that the company’s stock is in free fall after a series of hubristic business decisions. “Their new wings are way too hot,” complained Tess Sitamaran ‘27. “And I don’t like this gross wax that…
ITHACA, NY- Earlier this week, Harvard Student Eldo Kim was apprehended for his attempt to defer a final exam by calling in a bomb threat to several campus buildings. Perhaps a silver lining to this reckless and selfish act lies in the comfort felt by thousands of Cornell Students, who could now confirm their intellectual…
ITHACA- A new Cornell study has found overwhelming evidence the Abraham Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address. Cornell Oral Communication professor Gabriela Baker began this research in anticipation of the 150 year anniversary of the speech held this week. Baker told CU Nooz “I read over the hard copy of his speech, and something just didn’t…
In what has been called a “change of heart” University President David Skorton has decided to rename Gates hall to Satya Nadella hall in light of Nadella being recently named the new CEO of Microsoft. The reason for the sudden name change mere weeks after the building’s opening is, as President Skorton argues, because “the…
GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…
Out of the top 64 of the many majors at Cornell, the winner of the first annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is Chemical Engineering! Thank you to everyone who participated in this tournament, including the cheaters. We received over 11,000 votes total across all majors, not including the cheaters. The chemical engineers have won three…
