WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for. “Unlike a typical match, these women did…
To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month. “We wanted to make…
BARTON HALL—Recently appointed Cornell Hunger Relief officer Mandy Jackson ‘24 made waves at the club fair with a slap heard ‘round the Barton hall track, after victim Matt Long ‘27 tried to grab a coveted pack of Reese’s Pieces. He recounted the harrowing experience, “Ya it was crazy, I was just following my usual club…
OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by…
URIS HALL—In a non-stop crusade to find his FWS classroom, Davey Harris ‘27 has spent the past seven days living in the septic corridors of Uris Hall. Though his concerned peers have advised that he simply drop the course (and perhaps seek psychiatric help), Harris is determined to find UH249. “I’ve circled this floor 1,643…
BARTELS RINK—Enthusiastic and slightly confused Cornell sports fans packed the stands this past weekend at what some called “the strangest hockey game ever.” “I’d never seen anything like it,” shared Connel McMillen ‘25. “The ice rink was rectangular and the players didn’t have hockey sticks. The puck was round and orange and they sort of…
ITHACA—As winter recess comes to an end, travel-weary Cornellians return to campus by the busload, only to be greeted by what one local weather enthusiast describes as “the ideal environment for some really funny shit to happen.” Bryan Trast, a native Ithacan and self-proclaimed “Climate Harmonic Analyst,” looks forward to this time every year: “The…
DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major. “Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw…
OLIN LIBRARY—It’s in with the new and out with the old at Olin Library during its new renovations! The flooring, walls, ceilings, and furniture of the building will get an upgrade, but the transformation will also replace the old and dirty Rare Books collection with newer, more modern literature. A dusty, vibe-killing original copy of…
“WHAT WOULD THE FOUNDER THINK?!”—This is a common and deeply scathing critique at Cornell; the prospect of disappointing our university’s proud patriarch, our Big Red Daddy, bears undeniable rhetorical strength. Nonetheless, as a leading scholar on the life and times of Ezra Cornell himself, I can say with some certainty that Mr. Cornell would not…
