June 2, 2026
Headlines

Cornell

OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying

Nooz Staff03 mins

RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found…

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“Now, Where’s My Hug?” Asks Former Classmate You Do Not Recognize

Nooz Staff03 mins

ARTS QUAD – Classes have officially begun, which means getting settled into routines, staving off mounting exhaustion, and spotting familiar faces around campus. For Elizabeth Valenciano ‘26, however, the start of classes would also bring about an uncomfortable surprise. Valenciano and several of her friends were spotted leaving Goldwin Smith Hall when they were approached…

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“And If By Accident, We Should Ever Pass On The Street, Please Don’t Recognize Me,” Orientation Leader Gives Final Piece Of Advice

Nooz Staff03 mins

RAWLINGS GREEN—After an emotional week of preparation and group bonding, Orientation Leader Maxim Greenwald ‘24 gave one last instruction to his Orientees, that they should never speak to him again. Though Greenwald had spent the last week teaching the group all about the ins and outs of campus life, he knew that his final piece…

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Friend Studying Abroad Absolutely Must Go To Barbados to Study Russian Literature

Nooz Staff03 mins

KLARMAN HALL—On Thursday evening, Callie Meyers ‘25 and Bryan Shim ‘25 were chatting over a warm cup of borscht at Temple of Zeus when Meyers unknowingly broached an incredibly sore subject: Shim’s study abroad plans.  The simple question of “So, where are you studying abroad?” was reportedly enough to send Shim spiraling into a red-faced,…

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HIPAA Hip Hooray? Therapist Gives You Coy Little Wink While Standing In CTB Line

Nooz Staff03 mins

COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—The many patrons of Collegetown Bagels were made unknowing witnesses to a masterful display of proper patient privacy procedure by Cornell Health therapist Dr. Lynn Dravis this Thursday. While standing in the restaurant’s famous and extensive line, Dr. Dravis discretely and purposefully winked towards her patient, Ken Pollmer ‘24, communicating an entire doctrine’s worth…

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BREAKING: Buildings Crumble as the Deafening Sound of 22,000 Voices Granted Freedom of Expression Roars Through Ithaca

Nooz Staff03 mins

ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing…

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Cornell Store Earth Day Sale: “If You Don’t Buy This Shit, It’s Going to the Landfill”

Nooz Staff03 mins

HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory:…

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