ITHACA, NY – Incoming freshman and international student Boris Katyaldev confirmed today that he was incredibly excited for the unique opportunity to attend an American university and get absolutely plastered while there. “All of my family back home encouraged me to look to America to go to college, and now that I’m actually here, I…
ITHACA, NY — According to an aggressively loud conversation, sources have confirmed that area freshman Adam Nelson has become the first individual to come up with five “drinking days” of the week. In an act of astounding wit and ingenuity, the natural resources major was loudly shouting, “Yo, let’s go! It’s Mixed-Drink Monday! let’s get…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Thousands of Cornell students were disappointed to hear who the new headliner for Slope Day 2014 would be. Although popular in many areas of the country, students have deemed the headliner “sucky,” “fake,” and “a piece of shit.” When asked about the level of talent in recent Slope Day acts, Drew Livingston…
ITHACA, NY- Recent studies show that the fraternity your dad was a member of is now completely full of douchebags. This news comes as a disappointment after dad’s encouragingly fond memories of his Greek experience from 1980-1984. “These guys were my best friends, and I owe everything to the house,” said Dad, “I can’t imagine…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Although Rush Week at Cornell University can be hectic for the many involved, the stress has been overshadowed by what many are calling a “selfless outpouring of giving.” Multiple sources confirmed that female rushees are donating their footwear to the needy Ithaca community by leaving their boots outside sorority houses. “Uggs, Hunters,…
At approximately 10:09 pm, members of Kappa Chi fraternity entered the dorm room of Jeff Grossman ’17 to find the freshman AEM major vigorously masturbating. The fraternity members entered Grossman’s single with the intention of delivering positive feedback regarding his rush process so far. “Jeff seemed like a cool kid. He’s been coming by all…
Formal sorority recruitment provides freshmen girls with the opportunity to find the house that fits them best. Girls visit every sorority and their choices narrow down as the week goes on through a combination of their selections and those of the sorority sisters. This guide will help maximize your preparation for the week ahead. Choosing…
Rush week, the week preceding each spring semester used for Greek organization formal recruitment, can be a tricky time for potential new members. Unfamiliar terms like “smokers,” “contacts,” and “bids” are thrown around while meeting an influx of new people. It’s best to be as prepared as possible for a decision that can affect the…
