In a hostile takeover this past week, the Cornell chapter of sorority Sigma Kappa Tau ruthlessly overtook and installed their own dominion over the third floor of Mann Library. The monarchy, established with Lady Jenny Harquist ’14 as lord-protector of the realm, expects all students studying on 3 Mann to be vassals of the new…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion, however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,” but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca…
After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities. By employing mathematical models and indexes including…
ITHACA- Tonight, a group of between three and eight white males will engage in an amount of alcohol consumption ranging from moderate to excessive. The group will begin drinking beers and shots of liquor between the hours of 9 and 10 pm, often drinking simultaneously. One person in the group will drink significantly more than…
Beginning in Spring 2014, Cornell Library will be installing bouncers to allow entry into the entrances to both the third floor of Mann Library and the basement of Olin Library. Some students praised these new changes: “These are much needed improvements,” remarked Human Ecology Junior Heather Feign. “My friends and I love to go to…
ITHACA- Researchers in Cornell’s Human Development Lab released data this weekend that suggests local student Becky Havers is, in fact, such a bitch. Havers has been known around campus as “a huge skank” and “so full of drama,” however, this information had not been validated until now. Using a variety of data metrics include a…
This week’s scandal comes in the wake of previous allegations that brothers of Pi Kappa Phi were falsifying their genders to participate in the charity event. Last year, professional cyclist Lance Armstrong was accused of posing as a brother to cycle for the fraternity. Pi Kappa Phi could not be reached for comment; however, Lance…
ITHACA, NY — Cornell Junior James Pratchett, who will win a seat in the US Senate in 2037, capped off a night of drinking at a friend’s house by throwing up into his fishbowl and leaving before he could be confronted about it. On the way home, Pratchett — who will be remembered by his…
Members of Cornell’s Greek System are under University Investigation after reports have surfaced that freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in order to gain entry to a series of social events. The Fraternity System is barred from hosting all social events, mixers, and open parties for the remainder of the first semester, as if Cornell’s…
In light of several high profile hazing incidents, leaders of Pan-Hel, IFC and MLGC organizations have moved to educate new members through a unique and creative forum: a musical. The musical will include both original and classic songs in order educate new members on the dangers of hazing at Cornell. Greg Michaelson, the associate creative…
