OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library despite current construction actively destroying their workplace.. “We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean…
BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Brighten: “Our client is a…
MORRISON HALL—Local Animal Science major Dimitri Rubinov ‘23 is carrying his passion for the animal kingdom into the bedroom by only having sex doggy style. “It seems arrogant to go against the sexual practices of every single other animal,” Rubinov announced. “At the end of the day, we are just animals. My Cornell education has…
HO PLAZA—Cornell administrators announced Wednesday morning that the university will be renewing Cornell Health’s premium subscription to WebMD for next year. The online, publicly available health reference service has been the staff’s primary diagnostic tool for many years, according to university officials. “Well, we can’t exactly ask the licensed staff members to know every single…
When you stepped onto campus for the very first time, probably the summer before your senior year of high school, and were lead bright-eyed throughout Cornell’s bucolic paths and hallowed halls on a prospective student tour, what cute little trivialities did your tour guide tell you? Was it good old Happy Dave, cheerfully smiling and…
RILEY-ROBB HALL—Students of PLSCI 4190, “Cannabis: Biology, Society, and Industry” are totally bummed out that their absolute buzzkill of a professor won’t let them get even a teeny bit high during class. Trinity Earthsong ‘20 is particularly upset that her professor is being a “total stick in the mud” about pot. “I took his course…
CARPENTER HALL—Mechanical Engineering student Jon Morrison ‘21 has shattered all previous recorded attempts to describe the undergraduate major in “Industrial and Labor Relations” by explaining it in under 100 words. In an email sent to his younger cousin considering applying to ILR, Morrison outlined the various aspects of the universally confusing degree. “ILR is all…
Update: In response to receiving a cease and desist letter from Coach USA’s assistant general counsel demanding CU Nooz remove the “libelous article concerning Shortline’s bus services as well as libelous comments attributed to representatives of Shortline”, this article has been updated to reflect that the student did not, in fact, spend the entirety of…
Morrill Hall—During his Introduction to Anthropology discussion section earlier this week, Kevin Quoc ‘22 reportedly veered off-track from the assigned readings and began a line of inquiry closely drawing on an episode of the hit History Channel show, “Ancient Aliens.” When the TA asked if anyone had questions about the migration patterns discussed in lecture…
EDDYGATE APARTMENTS—After putting nearly three thousand dollars worth of line items in the Equestrian Club SAFC budget request, club treasurer Case Gadsby ‘21 awoke to find the severed head of the club’s most prized horse next to him in bed. “I know I should just withdraw the budget, but we’re planning on going to a…
