AG QUAD – Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy nibbling on this artisanal gourd I bought at the farmer’s market. Wait, you don’t get your produce from the farmer’s market? Wow, that must make me fresher than you in every way. That’s right. I’m not paying these higher prices just to…
COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That blasted Wings Over Ithaca just…
ITHACA, NY — Following the announcement that Cornell University classes will be canceled as of noon today because of a major snowstorm, reports indicate that attending college in a frozen hellscape such as Ithaca, New York, is finally paying off for students. “When I first started school at this frigid purgatory of a town I…
Following the announcement of MisterWives, Big Gigantic, Brasstracks, and S’natra for the 2017 Slope Day concert, students across campus have begun declaring their intentions to get drunk at Slope Day regardless of who those bands are. “I honestly would have been fine not knowing the bands in the first place, considering I will be getting…
BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re…
COLLEGETOWN – Putting the entire dance floor on red alert, a Collegetown party went on lockdown last night after the ball from the beer pong game attempted to make a break for it. “The hosts have the situation under control and are confident they will recover the escaped pong ball shortly,” said partygoer Michael Marks…
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen pizza from the comfort of…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head. “I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, but I can’t shake the…
BEAR NECESSITIES — Finally taking off his headphones, freshman HEY IS THERE A SAM HERE? came to the Nasties counter last night to pick up his chicken tenders six hours after they were first ready. After about fifteen minutes of calling from the Nasties screamer, the other students in the grill began a series of…
OKENSHIELDS – Citing multiple instances of muffled sobbing, exasperated gasps, and flat out bawling, Okenshields employees are reportedly unsure how to deal with most patrons crying directly into their make-your-own salads. “Um, I mean I just kind of refill the spinach when it gets pretty low, but I feel like I should definitely be doing…
